I thought about including my actual journal entries that I had written while still married to the abuser. When I was in the middle I did not truly understand what I was going through. Although at that time my eyes were beginning to open to what the real problem was. I hope this helps anyone reading this blog who is currently experience or has experienced abuse in their life. We will give my abusive ex-husband a name of Dick for this entry.
March 31, 2003 Monday
Well the last time I write consistently in a journal, I was twelve. Here it goes again I guess.
I spent most of last night feeling pissed at Dick. He has been horribly rude lately. Almost like he is competing with me over something.
The more rude he is, the more angry I become with him. Next thing I know he is being nice, like I can just forget he was an ass fifteen minutes earlier.
He complains about things that are normal dad stuff. Could he really put her bath off for sports if I weren’t hear?
He works a lot, does well at it. I never know when he will be home, although I know the decisions he makes and I think he could control 30% of the time but chooses not to. When he is here he watches sports, and thinks by wrestling with her during halftime is quality time?
At that time I still really did not understand what I was dealing with which was domestic abuse and alcoholism. Our daughter was turning 4 years old in one week. I had been living by his unspoken rules for quite some time and I was getting tired of it. The breaking point for my leaving my abuser was approaching and I did not even know it.
April 5, 2003 Saturday
Well today started off a little rocky. Dick was snappy on and off because of the preparation for the party. The party was for our daughter’s fourth birthday.
The party was great only a few of our close friends and family came. Our daughter played and played. We did a Pinata and Easter egg hunt for them with the theme of unicorns.
Tonight ended horrible! Dick drank way too much and was drunk when he came in the bathroom when I was getting ready for bed. It was a mistake to even try to talk to him. I realized that right away and said I did not want to talk now. I said this wasn’t a good idea, we should talk later.
He ended up going off on me about nothing really. When he finally left I went into the study and closed the door. He followed me in there to apologize.. I really didn’t want to talk. Knowing he was drunk meant he was a time bomb and it would take very little to set him off.
So of course he goes off again talking about divorce and such. Leaving me crying, sick to my stomach and shaking. Naturally he is out and snoring.
Another great day with an awful end. Another day where Dick can’t control his behavior after drinking.
I can still remember that day very clearly and my memory is not much different than what I wrote here. I do remember when I was in the study and sitting in my chair he leaned over and was apologizing and begging me not to leave him. It was really weird for him to go from such a rage to apologizing like that. I was baffled and confused and really could not understand why he was acting like that. His mother was visiting and she stayed later than everyone else and they both continued drinking into night. I enjoy having a glass or two of wine but not when I was married to Dick. In fact I would rarely drink because he would use my one drink to justify his twelve pack.
The next morning he came into the bathroom and was crying and apologizing. He told me he really couldn’t remember what happened.