The following entry was written after I had left the abusive alcoholic and drove to my mother’s house in another state. Leaving him was really scary and he wanted me to feel that way. In the middle of December I had contacted an attorney, filed for divorce and then packed up my daughter and myself and left the state. I remember that day and tears are filling my eyes as I write this now. I think I had something like a nervous break down after leaving him. Almost as if I was able to release all the emotions I had not been allowed to feel.
I stayed in a hotel for two days just crying and laying in bed. My poor daughter was so young and I don’t think she remembers that day. I couldn’t even take care of her, all I could do was cry. I felt so many emotions releasing that day; fear, anger, worry, relief, sadness and regret. My family did not leave anywhere close to me and when it came time for me to leave it was to drive and cross several states.
I do remember driving and the further I drove away from him the better I felt. I had no idea he was the reason I felt so sick all the time. Living with him was so toxic it was actually preventing me from living my life, being the mom I wanted to be and it is possible I would be dead today had I not left.
January 13, 2004 Tuesday
This room feels dirty and disorganized. Almost as if it could never get clean enough. Yet being by myself without the stress of him being home puts me at some sort of peaceful level.
I remember being locked away in this room, crying of his being drunk and the insanity of a topic I cannot remember. I remember feeling like this was the furthest I could get from him and the situations.
What were the rules during drinking?
- Alcohol was a topic not to be discussed
- Can not talk to him when he was drinking
- All functions/occasions had drinking
- Could not talk about night before the next day… would cause tension
What could be talked about? What subjects were taboo?
- Any subject that was not important could be discussed
- Alcohol topics would create an argument
- Talking about his mother’s drinking or holidays when we would see her
Rules were understood based on arguments from previous occasions.
Dick was the rule maker, because ultimately he controlled the finances. He pretended I had control, but only about things he allowed.
I constantly broke the rules with not accepting the behavior as acceptable. My rebellion over his actions kept up some of the tension.
Rules were enforced by a period of silence after a fight. He pretty much did what he wanted and made it clear that it was not going to change. I would give in and try to make peace to clear the air… or try anyways.
Rules have changed since I left. I have upset the balance of what was acceptable. Rules are changing more as I get up clear boundaries of what I will not tolerate. Drinking! Alcohol! Verbal Abuse!
Wow, I can’t believe I wrote that. Pretty powerful to read that today. One thing about abuse is the very same behaviors that kept me from taking a stand eventually became the reason I had the strength to make the stand. Abuse can continue to push you down until you reach a point where you will not accept that any more. Then I was right the rules did change and I would never again accept things the way they were before.