This blog was created as an outlet to process the experiences of dealing with my verbally abusive ex-husband. I am very glad to say I am no longer married to this man but we have a child together and he has not stopped being abusive. Since he cannot reach me as often, he resorted to using our daughter as a pawn. Please keep in mind that some of my posts are full of anger and others may be full of helpful resources. This blog’s purpose for my own personal journey of healing and to let others know they are not alone.
I am remarried to a wonderful man who is nothing like my abuser. Although my husband would listen to me if I talked about this every day, I love him too much to subject him to that. So here is my personal journal of a domestic abusive relationship. When you break the silence I truly believe it loses its power.
My experiences with my father were also verbally abusive and is likely the very reason I did not recognize that my relationship was abusive. Growing up with abuse can normalize unhealthy behavior and difficult to recognize abuse in a relationship. Getting out of an abusive marriage can also be difficult, but it is not impossible.
There are times I scold myself for being so unwise to pick a man like that. Yet, when I think about my daughter and how much I love her, I realize I would do it all over if for that reason only. The good thing is I have been able to give my daughter tools that help her. I have had to really bite my tongue at times to now tell my daughter things. I believe there is nothing I can tell her that she will not learn on her own. That does not mean he does not tell her unrealistic things that often create challenges to help her deal with the information without saying negative things about him.
In the fall of 2016, my daughter made the decision to go live with her father. This has become a new challenge for me, especially since he has really managed to turn her against me. His oppositional parenting continued to create challenges, especially as she became a teenager. His promise of no rules, no supervision, free rein, and a car have made living with him sound like a teenagers dream come true. This breaks my heart and I am still trying to come to terms with this change. My only hope now is for my daughter to see the truth and hopefully realize what is and isn’t healthy for herself. It was the hardest decision to let her go live with my abusive ex-husband, but she was nearly an adult and I had to let her go.
In winter of 2019, my daughter made the decision to move back home into our house. The environment had become extremely toxic and controlling. Her stepmother would put her down and often shun her and my ex-husband control had become overbearing. His behavior became more irrational and unreasonable once he became to lose control of our daughter. Now our daughter has to learn how to set boundaries on the relationship with her father and if he will even respect those boundaries.
Keep in mind, I am not a counselor, doctor or an attorney. I am only expressing my personal experience from my point of view. Some of my blog posts may be helpful and some are probably venting. If I could change my current situation for the better I most certainly would. I have also made mistakes that may have resulted in adding more fuel to the fire of the relationship. However, I hope anyone reading this will find something positive to take away. My experiences are sometimes very painful and I have to believe pain is not for nothing. If a few people reading this are able to take something positive then I am glad I shared my experiences.
There are times I still have difficulty with abusive relationships, letting toxic relationships go, including the one with my father and sometimes my mother. There are also times I wonder if I am abusive myself, however I think it was usually reactive abuse. Some of the impacts of having such an out of control life before sometimes makes me a bit too controlling now. This is something I continue to work on within myself.
This blog is not meant to advise anyone on the direction they should take in life. Every person’s journey is their own and I am only sharing my personal journey.
This blog is written from a woman’s point of view because that is my experience. I am not saying that women are not abusive, but I do not have as much information on that subject. I recognize that abuse comes in many forms, but I can only share my my own personal vantage point.
If safety is a question, please take extra caution to protect yourself. Leaving an abusive relationship can often be the most dangerous time. Take steps to protect yourself and your children. Also, just because they have not hit you, does not mean they will not hit you. It is said that people often make decisions based on what hasn’t happen yet.
If someone makes you feel like less of a person than you know yourself to be. That is abuse.Is This Abusive
Just become someone says something about you, does not mean it is true.Is This Abusive
No matter what they do or say. You do the next right thing?Is This Abusive