Post-Separation Abuse by Proxy

So, it has been nearly two years since my daughter left our house to go live with her father. Looking back, I have definitely made progress. There have been a few changes. One, my daughter is no longer so angry as she was when she initially left. Also, the fact that time has a way of softening things. Plus, there has been no contact with my ex-husband, not a single one, and I am so grateful for that fact. Plus, I went back to Alanon to take care of my emotions. Plus, I began going to Orange Theory 4-5 times a week to take care of my body.

Two weeks ago, she called me and I was on the phone with a client and texted her back. I asked if it was important. She chatted back with, “Yeah it kind of is, keep tomorrow morning open.” So, it turns out that her stepmother was supposed to be her model for her cosmetology test and forgot about it. So she asked if I could be her model instead. She said that she would pick me up because I was doing her the favor.

On the way, her GPS was getting mixed up because there was so much construction. So, she began to panic. I had her pull over, figured out where we were going, and used my phone to help get us there. She made it on time. This was a three-hour test. My part was to allow her to paint my nails on one hand. Plus, she had to give me a facial. Then I had to leave the room so she could finish her test. So, since I had two and a half hours to burn, I called an Uber and went to get a pedicure.

On the way home, we stopped and had lunch. I expected that she would just drop me off at the door, but she said she wanted to come in and see the dogs. Inside, she petted the dogs, and then followed me upstairs. My husband was extremely surprised to see her and gave her a hug. It was a nice reunion and it did not feel awkward.

Since then she had said she couldn’t come to the city where I live, it is still “off-limits”. So she is permanently banned from visiting my city. Well, his rules that she cannot come visit a particular friend who happens to live in the area. However, she is nearly 19 1/2 and the rule seems unreasonable. However, my daughter has not challenged this or questioned these unreasonable or poorly explained rules? She does not want to upset him or his wife I imagine.

It didn’t’ go unnoticed that she was able to break the rule when it was important to her. Honestly, I have been struggling with this a lot. It makes me feel like my ex-husband is still controlling me. I can visit my daughter, but only if I drive to where they live. Although, I have to remember when I lived with him, it was his rule. One of his rules was that I couldn’t plant any flowers in the front yard? I didn’t agree with this rule because it was also my house. However, I knew there would be hell to pay if I went against his rules.

So, last week was our other daughter’s birthday. I invited my daughter to go to the movies with us and sit didn’t seem like she wanted to go with us. So we went without her. Is my daughter ever going to break away from the control? I truly hope she eventually figures this out and puts up some healthy boundaries.

On a softer note, here was a letter from my mother.

A letter from my mother:

August 2, 2018

Hi Honey,

I’m sorry she chose not to go to the movies with you guys for (other daughter’s) birthday. I know that her choosing to live with (my ex) is still so painful. And frustrating. I wish we could fix it! I think it will eventually resolve it self.

You were the best mother to her. You did it all under difficult circumstances – an abusive marriage. She will see that some day.

I love you.


This was a nice note from my mother.

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