Lately, I have been listening to the P!nk Radio station and the song Titanium comes on every so often. Every time I have heard this song it touches me deep inside. Today, after hearing this song once again, I realize my thoughts need to change to one of strength again. The reason my ex-husband does not seem able to move on is because he knows I am happy now. I have survived without him and even thrived without him.
I’m bulletproof nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won’t fall, I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium, I am titanium, I am titanium, I am titanium
Today, I have little reason to speak with my ex-husband. This past year has been more than difficult. My daughter choosing to go live with my ex-husband and the tension in our relationship has cut me deep. One year ago, it was difficult to function and I am quite sure it was depression. After about 4-5 months, I started forcing myself to work out and work on my hobbies. Overtime it was no longer something I had to force myself to do. Today, I am still very sad over what has happened with my daughter and myself. It felt like he won and I was beaten. I no longer want to feel like he won.
So this song Titanium was written by co-written by David Guetta and sung by Sia. Although the version I have heard lately was a ballad sung by Madilyn Bailey. This song was written thinking about someone with a strong hearted and strong willed person. This song describes ignoring the words or abuse and allows it to bounce off us or ricochet. Saying that we need to stand our ground. This is a message of strength for those who deal with bullies.
The reason this strikes a chord with me is because isn’t this what abusive people do when they continue to attack us with words and lies? Aren’t they just bullies? They make up untrue versions of stories and work to get people to take their side. Convince others that you are the “crazy” one and the “problem”. They seek to hurt someone else in every way possible. The only issue is we are dealing with Narcissists, I am not sure they ever feel remorse. Although I am also sure they are never actually happy.
Another challenge to this situation is that people who have not experienced emotional and verbal abuse think you should just move on and “get over it”. Over the years, I have done a great job of taking the higher ground and doing my best not to sink to his level. Don’t get me wrong; there have been occasions I wish the man were dead. Sadly, there have been times I questioned if I could go on like this?
My ex-husband did a great job of making me afraid to leave him all those years ago. He did an excellent job of making me believe he would kill me if I ever left. Initially, I remember being afraid to leave my blinds open. At that time his behavior was so irrational and had no idea what he was capable of doing. Plus, he was drinking and doing drugs and that created even more uncertainty. It also took me a while to adjust to the peace and quiet in the home. I had become so used to chaos and drama that I didn’t know how to live without it.
He also did a great job of putting our daughter in the middle and using her as a pawn to do his dirty work (much like he does with his wife today). He spent years manipulating her and working to turn her against me. His ultimate goal, I believe, was just tor hurt me. My mother would say, “We don’t know that.” How could it not be more clear that he doesn’t care about his daughter’s emotional well being. He is okay with putting her in the middle and trying to get her on “his side”. He also took advantage of a teenage girl’s differences with her mother as the perfect opportunity to get her to agree to move in with him. He promised her cars and a license as long as she moved in with him. Just to save himself a year and a half of child support. None of of this was about our daughter.
Today, I am a strong person and I refuse to allow my ex-husband to rent space in my head for the rest of my life. It is sad that he has turned our teenager against me and I truly hope she come around. It pains me that it may be best to let her go so I can be healthy. Right now, she is living in his home and does not seem to be independent from my ex-husband. I need separation from my ex-husband and to move on.
This song describes how they are the ones who get hurt. In some ways that is true. How can someone who spends so much time and energy trying to make another person miserable even be slightly happy? Also, how can his wife be happy with her husband spending so much energy trying to control situations around me. It is sad because our daughter is the casualty of his warfare and I realize I cannot save her. However, she knows strength through me and I believe she will remember that as she matures.
Cut me down
But it’s you who has further to fall
Ghost town, haunted love
Raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones
I’m talking loud not saying much
I realize, some time needs to be spent working on myself and feeling my own strength again. It can be difficult because my loved ones don’t quite understand verbal abuse. My own mother often will say “get over it”. My ex-husband has been pretty relentless over the years. The ultimate hit came when he turned our daughter against me. This emotional assault knocked me down further than I have even fallen in the past. I refuse to stay down and I refuse to allow him to win his sick twisted game.