This made up narrative by my abusive ex-husband on how I was the problem just upsets me. Today, we are boxing up books for a room remodel and just listen to these titles of books collected over the years:
- Why Does He Do That
- Toxic Parents
- Abuse No More
- Joint Custody with a Jerk
- Your Kids and Divorce
- Successful Single Parenting
- The Verbally Abusive Relationships
- Victory Over Verbal Abuse
- From Survival to Recovery
- The DNA of Relationships
- The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage
- Paths to Recovery
- Energy Zappers
Wow, now this is quite a list of books I have collected over the years. So many of these books were read to help figure out how to navigate parenting with an abusive ex-husband. Honestly, I am not sure if any of it made a difference or not considering the outcome.
In the end, my daughter chose to go live with my ex-husband. She has no idea that the lawsuit costs us more than $7,000 and what a waste considering he did not do what he promised. He agreed to take our daughter to weekly therapy and he did not keep that promise. Although, taking someone to therapy who didn’t want to go would not have made any difference. Still, these were the terms and he agreed to these terms.
I am not sure how to feel about all of this at times. On one hand, my daughter made these decisions and she claims it wasn’t for the car or lax rules promised. However, many teenagers rebel against the rules, however how many have a parent that conspires with the child to undermine the other parent’s authority. This probably happens more often than I know.
Lets face it; my ex-husband out manipulated me because I wasn’t playing that game. Over the years I really tried to do what was right. His constant undermining created a very challenging situation as our daughter entered teenage years. Was I a perfect parent through this entire situation, probably not, but I know my priorities were in line.
Sometimes you can do all the right things and still feel like you lost a battle that you didn’t want to be in in the first place. Sometimes your heart can just get broken beyond explanation. No suicidal thoughts here, but I certainly felt at times I would rather be dead than feel the crushing pain of losing your daughter to an abusive ex-husband.
This sounds like a pity party today. I truly want to believe that everything happens for a reason. It seems throughout my life it always has worked out for the best. Unfortunately, you cannot see into the future to see how everything will turn out.
Tomorrow my daughter and I have planned on going to a movie. In less than two weeks, my daughter will turn eighteen. She might get a car for her birthday. She has two grades below passing, but my ex is not considering her safety when he makes decisions. Neither is he helping her grow into an independent young woman either. My ex-husband likes people to be dependent upon him because that gives him the power he so craves.
During one of my therapy sessions, I had mentioned that it seemed like all of this is my fault. That I picked this man and for that reason we have all this pain. However, as she pointed out, I did not pick this man planning on divorce and years of emotional pain for us all. Maybe I did handle this situation wrong. Honestly, I just do not know.
What I do know is I am a survivor and I will survive this just as I have everything else encountered during my lifetime. My daughter may see the truth and may choose a different outcome. My daughter may end up navigating through her own painful choices as I did. Maybe, I did everything right considering everything that we encountered. I have never spent so much time away from my daughter as I have during the last sixth months.
My daughter was first in my life for so many years. First in a good way though. I always made she was able to participate in school activities, make it to birthday parties, and tried to give her the healthiest mom I could be. I spent years going to Alanon and therapy in my efforts to be the healthiest mom I could be for her.
Today, I am struggling, but I know I will survive all of this. Maybe there are lessons for everyone here that I just cannot see. Maybe this is going to work out exactly as it should, but I won’t know for years to come. All I can do is continue to work on myself, take care of myself, and be the best person I can be every day.
You are doing great. I held on to my children at a very high cost. I wished I had let them go. What we suffered damaged them beyond repair. I truly believe if I had let them go, he wouldn’t have damaged them or me as badly as he did because of the unspeakable horror to him of losing.