It has been two months since my last blog entry. Over the past few months I have gone through several stages of grief.
Stages of Grief
It began with fear and trying to decide what to do about the situation. Then it evolved into overwhelming sadness with frequent bouts of crying. Sometimes I felt extremely angry at my ex-husband for his manipulation and taking advantage of our daughter. Some days I felt angry at myself for selecting my ex-husband all those years ago. Sometimes I hate my ex-husband and wish he was dead, but then I feel guilty for thinking that way. Maybe some of this anger is misdirected, on many days I feel like I have no-one to blame but myself.
Fake It ’til You Make It
A few months ago I made myself start exercising again in an effort to pull myself out of the funk. Thinking of that old saying; fake it ’til you make it. Last week, I began doing my crafts again and I think that is helping. Lately, I have entered a new phase… perhaps this is coming to the point of acceptance or maybe I am just getting used a new normal. On some days I still feel like a victim, but it does no good to think like that. However, it doesn’t change the anger of all the years my ex-husband has been screwing with us and how much I tried to counter it with good messages, to end up losing my daughter anyway.
Yes, so this sometimes sound like a pity party to me. Last week, I began doing some of my crafts again and I think that is helping. My daughter still will not give me her phone number. She still communicates with me through the Instagram app. It is very bizarre.
Just writing this blog post makes me feel like I want to cry again. Maybe that is okay. Plus, I know full well that this journey will not be linear. Of course the journey has just begun and we have no idea where it will take us.
The Past Collides with the Present
There has also been some hell going on with my father at the same time. However, that is another story that probably needs its own blog post. In one of his emails to me he said that my daughter would rather live with an abuser than me. I know my father is not in his right mind, but that doesn’t remove the sting from his words. My father is a very abusive man and uses words as a sword. However, it has been difficult to discontinue all contact with my father completely. Although I rarely speak to him.
“As far as “behavior” is concerned, “Judge not lest you be judged.” For one who found her first true love while performing at a “peep show,” and what great judgment you demonstrated in your choice of a first husband, and the fact that your daughter, my granddaughter, has chosen to live with an “abuser” rather than you, you do not sound like you are in a position to judge anybody! I suggest that you “judge yourself, so that God and others do not have to!”
My daughter may struggle with her relationship with her father as much as I struggle with mine. No matter how hateful he is, I still love my father. Plus, he really hasn’t been much of a father and doesn’t deserve my loyalty. Maybe that is why I picked my ex-husband. My ex-husband reminds me very much of my father. My ex-husband reminds my mother of my father.
Secrets of my Past
His comment about meeting my first true love while performing at a “peep show”. What a hateful comment. Yes, I used to be a topless dancer. Life happened, however my ex-husband is certainly not my true love and I did not meet him where I was working. I met him out at a bar one evening. Today, this is my big secret in life and I do not tell anyone about this. Although this blog post is anonymous, I still haven’t been able to discuss this part of my past on this blog until now.
Why should I feel ashamed of my past. It is my past and it does not define me today. This was also something I decided to tell my daughter before she left. I was worried my ex-husband would tell her first. If he told her this, his motivations would not be for a good reason. So I felt it was better that it came from me than him.
Last week while in therapy, I told my counselor I had felt like this was my fault for picking my ex-husband. She said, “you didn’t pick someone on purpose that was abusive and you didn’t plan on getting divorced.” She is right, I picked someone who I thought was a nice guy. The person my ex-husband portrayed to me was not the person he really was. I really liked him in the first year, but he wasn’t being real in the beginning. When he was being his true abusive self, I didn’t like him one bit.
Keep a Positive Outlook
I keep telling myself that everything is going to work out in the end. That my daughter will come around and see the truth. That one day we will mend our relationship. Maybe she will see that I am not a bad person and I wasn’t a bad mom. I know I was not perfect, but I continued working to improve myself and our life. I hope one day she can see the truth.
I ran across this. 6 years separated and 2 years divorced from my abuser. My ex has managed to take my 10 and 12 year old, alter memories, and convince them I am unfit. Both of them have stated a willingness to lie to authorities for him. I am now gearing up for the very real possibility I will lose my kids. The unreality of my child screaming at me that she hates me, crying hysterically that I yell at her when she is the one yelling, is beyond my ability to understand. Yesterday I found myself hiding in my room from my children. Exactly what I used to do when my ex screamed at me. I woke up exhausted and puffy from crying. Dejavu again. Both kids have lied about myself and my family to bolster my ex’s claims. Makes a person feel like leaving the abuse was pointless. Because it was just an illusion.
I get why you say it was just an illusion, but it is reality. However, the abuser does a great job of trying to make you feel crazy. It is definitely crazy making behavior when they turn the kids against you and twist the story. It is difficult for me to comprehend how my daughter picks his side.
One of my longterm friends pointed out that one abuse counselor said that kids will gravitate to the person they feel is the stronger one (the abuser). However, they can certainly change their opinions about what they see as the become adults. It is truly a sick game abusers play and it is so terrible the kids have to be caught up in the middle.
Looking back, it would have been great to go under-ground, change our names, and never let her have contact with him again. Irrational? Maybe not.