In the end of 2003, my divorce was final and I was living in my own house away from my abusive ex-husband. Unfortunately, because we had a child together my ex-husband was able to continue his abusive behaviors. Now he just uses our daughter as a pawn and I am not sure what his end game is. It is truly irritating that he finds so much joy in meddling and creating drama and problems for my family and my daughter.
It does seem like my ex-husband has his own reality that is not quite valid. Thankfully, I have spent many years going to Alanon, domestic abuse recovery and therapy where I have become a healthier person. I truly believe I can discern between right and wrong and good and evil. I am not saying my ex-husband is evil, but the things he does to me or to our daughter are not good things. However, in his mind I believe he thinks he is doing the right things. Maybe he is just so lost that he cannot even imagine his choices could be wrong. I just don’t know why abusers do the things they do, their behavior just has no rhyme or reason.
In 2006, I began printing out all our emails and put them in a big binder that I have kept. I rarely go back and look at the emails, but they are right there and the truth is on those pages. Debating whether I should start putting them on this blog for you all to see. What it does meant today, is when he says I am crazy or I did things that I did not do, there is a record of all the communications the occurred. In fact, I might do that.
I often debate on if I should write a book about my experiences. There is so much written down from when I first began dating him, my thoughts during our marriage, along with all my notes of being divorced from him. I am so grateful to this day that I do not live with my ex-husband today. I hope my daughter will be able to discern right from wrong even when it comes to her father’s statements or actions.
When he showed up at the house last week to pick up our daughter. He did not look healthy. He looked red and puffy. It looked like all his years of drinking, smoking tobacco, and eating out so often are really taking a toll on him. Even with all the awful things he has done, I still do not wish him ill will. I do not appreciate his behavior and I wish he would just be a good dad to our daughter.