I haven’t posted anything in a while. I guess because things are going pretty good and there is no crisis or drama going on. I really do not talk to my ex-husband at all, I have found it is better for my daughter if we do not talk. Any form of contact seemed to bring on this series of attacks but he would use our daughter as the weapon. It is like they can’t stand that they can’t get to you and the children to inflict harm.
I am not sure why my ex-husband continues to make appearances in my dreams. He isn’t yelling or being verbally abusive in my dreams. It is almost like when we were first dating and he was trying to be nice.
Dreams are weird. Sometimes they make perfect sense when you think back to a movie or show you watched. Other times they make no sense at and are bizarre like something out of Alice & Wonderland.
When I remember my dreams the next day it makes me wonder if I am perhaps trying to get closure. My dreams are impossible, he is being nice, he is not being his arrogant self. He listens, seems interested and concerned. All the characteristics he does not seem capable of exhibiting.
Although, I have accepted that closure & a peaceful relationship with my ex-husband is not possible. Not because this is not something I would be capable of but because I seriously doubt he could ever be a decent person towards me.
Somethings just will never make sense or have absolute answers.
Thank you for posting. It helps me to read from your journal to know others have gone through what I am and there’s light at the end of the tunnel….I’m still in the beginning stages of realizing he will always be abusive towards me and any contact sets me back. I used to think if I walked on the eggshells and he was nice it was a success…but no one has control over another through their actions and peaceful times were few and far between with him…and letting go is best.
I’m so pleased you have peace in your home at last after the trauma you’ve been through. I believe verbal and emotional abuse deeply traumatizes us, playing havoc with our thinking and emotions years after we’ve removed ourselves away from our abusers. The physical scars, if one has been physically abused, heal much more quickly. It’s not unusual for us to have bizarre dreams for years after a traumatic experience, especially one that was ongoing. In your case, it seems as though you’re recreating the kind and rational treatment you should have been given during your marriage in order to somehow make it right. As you say, he’s not capable of actually acting that way but your mind and spirit are telling you that you deserved that loving treatment and is perhaps trying to heal you by giving it to you in your dreams. Just a thought. I came out of a shockingly abusive relationship 8 months ago. There was no physical abuse but I have all the signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Like you, I’m using my writing to heal, and hopefully to reach out to others as well. All the best to you. You sound like a sensitive soul.
I have been reading your website and I feel compelled to share my story with you. I am still married to my husband and i am starting to feel crazy, he even tells me that I am mental. He controls everything in our marriage. I am isolated and alone, my family knows what is going on but are not available for me b/c I stay. It just gets worse. But I stay, I am scared and I have nothing.