This is a story from one of our global readers:
I want to know how many times to your abuser need to abuse you to be classified as an abuser?
I have been married 10 years, going through a divorce, but we have been together 15 years. The first 2 years in our relationship he physically and verbally abused me. Hitting me with his head, biting my lip, pulling me on my hair, telling me what a whore I am and driving like a maniac with me in the car over red lights and stop streets.
When I was pregnant with the first baby he could not stand me being so ill and told me that this pregnancy is a f**k-up and he wishes it comes down. Well, I lost that baby (miscarriage).
Other things that came up was that he was slandering me with his friends and family, he never stood up for me or had my back.
When my twins were born prematurely one was colicky and very ill. She almost died and was hospitalized in NICU. When I took her home he could not cope with her crying to much and he hit her a few blows on her bottom….
Then when they were 3 and a half years old he hit them after being naughty with his bare hands so hard that they had blue and purple bruises all over their backs and bottoms. I had to endured being called a whore, that I am crazy and common and the the children will be dysfunctional with a mother like me…..
People tell me I am over-reacting and making a huge issue of nothing. Everyone says he is so nice, and cannot believe that he is capable of what he is doing. His own mother justified him hitting the premature baby and also beating them like that (she saw the photos). What is wrong with people around me? Why do I feel broken being in this marriage and everyone around me questions me? Why would a therapist ask me what did I do to aggravate him? I mean, really? We went for marriage counselling and he will sit there in front of the counselor and lie with a straight face as to what is happening in the house. He would look at me and say all surprised, aghhh … I cannot believe you can lie like this. This in front of the person that is suppose to help/assist us. Is this what his family means to him? Nothing?
I have gone through a tough time. I have lost 15 kg, my parents passed away when I was a child so I am all alone and now I am weathering this divorce storm. I sometimes cannot get up in the morning and I need to be strong for my 3 beautiful girls.
How can this not be abuse?
By Anonymous Reader
To my reader:
My thoughts and prayers go out to you and I hope you find the right Domestic Abuse support during this time. Please stay safe and strong for your children. It sounds like you are on the right path. It is also my true belief that Pain is not for nothing. I hope my pain, and my sharing my experience, perhaps it helps others in their time of need.
Please consider seeking out a counselor who has Domestic Abuse experience and I believe their responses to the abuse will be much different to those who do not understand or excuse abuse.
You asked this question, “I want to know how many times to your abuser need to abuse you to be classified as an abuser?” The statistics state it only takes one physical hit to classify it as abuse. However, here is a really good Article about Physical Abuse that may relate to your situation. Verbal abuse can be tricky because there are arguments with exchanges of angry words but that is different than ongoing verbal abuse. Here is a great resource with Verbal Abuse Signs, if the verbal abuse is ongoing & continues to make you feel like less of a person than you know yourself to be, that is Domestic Abuse.
Example: My ex-husband was extremely manipulative and his words often made me feel bad about myself, that I couldn’t live without him, fear of what he might do to me, that I was crazy to feel the way I did, if I complained I was ungrateful, and that I wasn’t tan enough, blonde enough, or thin enough. I did not realize that for the longest time he would often go out of his way to instigate an argument or a reaction from me that would justify his behavior and he could say, “Look, you did it too.”
- Americans Overseas Domestic Violence Crisis Center
- How can you spot an abuser?
- Recognize a Potentially Abusive Relationship
Other Resource & Hotlines: