How Did I Meet The Abuser – 4

After moving into this apartment I eventually grew tired of the controlling behavior.  He would also become extremely belligerent when he drank.  I broke up with him and moved out into my own apartment and felt very peaceful.  The problem was I was lonely… at that time I was not comfortable being alone.   After dating him for all that time I had really made him the primary focus in my life so I had very few friends.  Most of the friends I had were guys and obviously they could not hang around when I was with my ex.

From Victim to Volunteer

My mother remembers my telling her I had broken up with him and she remembers feeling very relieved about that.  I stayed away from him for several months.  I think I was just lonely one night and I went to see him or something and of course he was the semi-charming person he was whenever he made an effort.  My choosing to go back to him I went from a Victim to a Volunteer.  To my credit I was still too unhealthy to recognize that I was in a toxic relationship.  I We slept together and that day would change my life forever.

Same Song Different Tune

In an abusive relationship you will always have a cycle and that pattern might vary.  It reminds me of a song that has the same lyrics and different music.  You might not recognize it as being the same song because of the change but if you listen close enough you will realize it is the same.  I think that was the same for me in my relationship.  The situations would vary but the behaviors were often the same.

Life Altering Change

Anyway, so he was behaving ‘unlike’ his normal self.  Meaning he was making an effort to be the guy I wanted him to be.  That was not the person he really was and so eventually he would always return to the person he was truly inside.  During this, I guess I can call it the ‘honeymoon phase’, I discovered I was pregnant with his child.  He was very much supporting my having an abortion but I told him there was no way I was going to have an abortion.

Your Past Affects Your Future

You see 5 years before that I did get pregnant from a one night stand and I did have an abortion.  I was able to forgive myself for that one but there was no way I was going to do that again.  I felt very frustrated at myself for getting pregnant again and felt I should have known better.  I had spent a few years during our relationship trying different birth controls and my body never reacted right.  He really didn’t want to use condoms because ‘it didn’t feel right’ and I would give in.  So you see it took two to tango and that was how I was surprised with my lovely daughter.

During this time he lost his job with the company he was working at.  Then a week or two later they called him back and offered him a position in another city.  So he proposed to me in a restaurant with a ring in a red rose and we were married at the Justice of the Peace.

I’ll bet if I had a camera on my mother when I told her I was pregnant and we were engaged to be married I might have witnessed her falling over.  She went from so relieved that I broke up with that man to the fear of what this future would bring with this man.  She did try hard to like him although she never did.