It has been a few weeks since the last time I wrote a post. Lately, I have had a difficult time putting my thoughts together. My emotions are quite overwhelming at this time, too much has happened in the past few months. I guess that is why it is so difficult to write my thoughts.
Today, I feel like my ex-husband won his twisted game. Although I left him more than twelve years ago, he never stopped bothering me or trying to mess with me. My therapist said that every boundary I put in place to protect myself took away his control, this caused him to continue to use anything he could… especially our daughter… to regain control. She said that there is no way to work with his type of personality.
This, week she said to work on talking about how I feel instead of what I think. Dealing with feelings of Anger, Sadness, Fear, Disgust post Verbal Abuse. Learning to accepting emotions is one part of the journey towards healing.
Anger… Well, I feel pissed off right now. I feel so angry at my ex-husband for messing up the relationship I had with my daughter. Sure, I probably made some mistakes, but I always had her best interest at heart. This just absolutely hurts that she chose to go live with him. At seventeen, she just doesn’t see that permissive parenting or being ‘her friend’ is not best for her. She wants this freedom, car, and material things he is offering. My rules and wanting her to be responsible she considers is just controlling.
On some days, I feel really pissed off at myself. I choose this man more than twenty years ago and because I wasn’t strong enough to leave him all those years ago… now my daughter has been affected too. Plus, I doubled down in my bad decision by marrying the man and I was naive enough to believe I could divorce him and just move on with my life. Who knew he would continue with his relentless manipulation and abuse for twelve more years! Ultimately, he was able to make our daughter hate me and so now I feel like he really won his twisted game.
Sadness… I also feel really sad right now. It really hurts that my daughter picked her father over me. Of course, I feel she never should have had to make that choice in the first place. When my ex-husband would ask her questions about our lives, I would tell my daughter to say, “I don’t know dad, ask my mom.” Or say, “Dad, I really do not want to be in the middle.” However, she was never strong enough to resist him and would tell him whatever he wanted to know. Little did she know he was taking that information to use against our family. She had no idea she was playing a key role in his sick game.
Fear… I also feel extremely afraid for the future. One reason is the picture our daughter posted in her Homecoming dress looked like a girl in her early twenties instead of being seventeen. She was wearing a white skin tight, strapless and rather short dress. She was wearing red high heals and red lipstick. Plus, with that bleach blonde hair she got over the summer, she no longer looks like the girl I remember. I am afraid of the attention she is going to get for dressing that way.
My comment was, “You look very grown up.” I really didn’t feel so proud of that look, it was not age appropriate for a seventeen year old junior in high school. My therapist was rather surprised her father was okay with her looking like that. She said it was almost as if our daughter was an extension of himself. She said it was rather strange. Some of this may be due to her stepmother’s influence. A few years ago, she told my daughter she wanted a wedding ring that made her hand fall to the ground. She also said my daughter should pick some rich to marry like she did. Not exactly wise things to tell a young girl.
Disgust… I also feel disgusted at my ex-husband that he is so sick he would use his own daughter as a pawn. His desire to get vengeance against me for whatever reason is not right. I used to believe he was pissed off at me, but for what? When we were married, he was the one lying, cheating, hiding money, and acting like a bachelor. Although I think this is more about control and maybe my leaving him made me the enemy. Funny, he is married now, but it seems like he is still completely focused on me. How can his wife tolerate that? Even my husband says he thinks my ex still has a thing for me… like the one that got away.
Now that he has our daughter living with him, not talking to me, what is next? Is is possible now that he has won his stupid game he will go away. Last time I talked to my daughter she said she wouldn’t come here as long as my husband lived here. My husband won’t tolerate my daughter’s crap and that is the primary problem. He may be sarcastic, but he has been more of a father than her dad for all these years.
I guess we will never know all the things that have been said to our daughter. My ex-husband is highly manipulative and would never say anything directly. He would come in sideways, like snake, and would sound super supportive and helpful with some passive comment meant to influence her thoughts.
How someone can be so cold and calculating, I will never understand. My mind simply does not work that way. Narcissist… sociopath… alcoholic… I really cannot tell you what the true diagnosis is of my ex-husband. Healthy people just don’t behave that way and they wouldn’t inflict harm on their own child.
Perhaps accepting that I have emotions and that it is okay to feel them is just one part of the process of healing. I know I am not the only one going through this, so many others have posted on Facebook. However, I must believe that what was meant for bad will eventually have good come from it. My personal faith is that there must be a reason God is letting this happen right now. Lessons to learn or something good is meant to come from all of this.
Are you going through something similar?
I went through something very similiar but now can happily say I am 12 years past it and because I remained strong and focused on the good that I always intended on giving, both my daughter and son have taken their own opinion and now I can say the tables have turned and they both understand the true reality. I’m not going to lie, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. So I hope this helps you when I say, what they are looking for is someone who remains calm, cool and collected. You can vent to your friends, family and consultant but never to the kids. I tried to remain consistently the positive, inspiring, and trusting parent they needed and but doing this, in return they now know who was their and always will be there for them both and for this I am grateful. A wise friend once told me, if you keep reacting to him the same way you always did nothing will change. With that being said, I changed, my reaction and it was the best thing I ever did. I stayed positive and prayed for guidance to overcome and I believe I did. Best of luck, because between you and I, this man was a nightmare and I still personally struggle and am still single (15 yrs) but they were young and resilient and overcame the abuse. Much Luck to you
I have, also, been and I am still having to deal with my
ex-husband’s manipulating evil ways. I pray daily for the seed of bitterness not to grow in my heart. I will pray for you my friend .
I watch this behavior from the sideline…I am a future STEP in mom. I see a manipulative ex wife try to control her ex husband through the children. She doesn’t allow the kids to talk to their father at all…PARENTAL ALIENATION! She then gives the kids a cellphone and calls daily giving daddy orders through the kids even though her domestic violence order says she is to have no contact! She has a contempt charge and forced her little game pieces to lie…by beating them!!! Brings them to court! Then laughs hysterically in a narcissistic tone when leaving the courthouse. Only someone with a borderline personality disorder can act this way and treat her children like this. All the while…the court system allows it!!!
Who is to blame?
Who wins? Who loses?
The only loser is the children who will ultimately grow up feeling inadequate because their mother hated their father an extension of who they are…
All the while she continues to sleep with another Womens husband living in her fantasy world that one day he will leave her and she will live happily ever after and kill her ex husband as she asked him to kill himself before she filed for the divorce!
The Lord Laughs at the wicked and knows one day their judgement will come!
I came across your post and it always amazes me that women who are going through this have that same thread. I too was married to a Narcissistic Sociopath Alcoholic for 26 years. The physical and verbal and emotional abuse have left scars that will always be there, but with counseling and my Faith and a strong support system in place, I will be stronger and wiser. Boundaries to them are challenges. Fortunately we didn’t have children together but I do have 3 children from a previous marriage and what they saw and heard was awful. It has been a year since I left him and have since divorced him. When we decide to take back our lives and set boundaries, the abuser absolutely cannot wrap their heads around that. Your daughter will someday see why you left her dad and will gain more respect and love for you. He hasn’t won anything. The consequences for his actions will bite him and it will be through your daughter because her choices will be direct reflection on him. The only thing you can do is to stay in Recovery, keep setting boundaries with everyone in your life and don’t let your daughter use the same mind games on you that her dad is doing. You can do it. Keep talking about your feelings and accept that it is all part of the Journey back to who you need to be. Your daughter will see a Strong, Loving, Woman, but it will take time. I am also in a 12 step program and that along with my family, my church, and therapy are what is keeping me focused on the Prize. You are Stronger than you think and wiser. Your daughter is making choices that only she can make and the consequences are called accountability. Hang in there and YOU ARE THE SURVIVOR AND THAT MAKES YOU A WINNER!!!!!!!! ❤
Thank you for your message. I believe my daughter will see the truth one day. I need to trust that things are happening exactly the way they are supposed to. You are right, she is making choices and she will have to deal with the outcome of those choices. I pray that the values I instilled in our daughter over the years will stick with her into adulthood. Also, taking the time to consider how my behavior was when I was a teenager and who I am today gives me plenty of hope.
Thank you for your comment!
I am 5 months out from an abusive marriage with an alcoholic narcissistic sociopath. I am still raw on most days. I have 2 adult children from a previous marriage to a narcissist. Then I married my knight in shining armor and we have two beautiful boys. Little did I know he would be my worst nightmare. He slowly, methodically broke me down. Pretty soon I was requesting pain pills for a non-existent injury. I cried, begged and pleaded to stop the insanity. If I spoke up and said no he pressured while I was working. It was 5 hours of texting or calling. It was torturous. Then I would go home to more. He would end up angry and swearing. Or just plain and simple pressuring me with guilt or any other method he could use until I gave in. He had me taking from my mother. Then I found out he was stealing my daughters ADHD medicine. If we had no way to get more pills from anyone then it was alcohol. When drunk he was violent. I am the person who told myself, “But he never hit me” I ended up having to file a restraining order. He broke it a month later and tried to get into my house while I was at work. He got into a car accident last week and was arrested for the warrant from months ago. I have now been written off from the only remaining friend I had in his family. I rocked me to my core when the words came out of her mouth that, “It’s too bad that the kids are the ones suffering now that the courts are involved. She was rooting for me. She was telling me how healthy and happy the kids looked now. How I was doing the right thing” He went to a family get together at her house and stayed for 5 days and now I am cut out. Especially since he got arrested.
I have PTSD and anxiety attacks from all of this. I honestly question my own sanity at times. I am just sorry I raised my kids in that environment. Someday I hope to be free of this. Keep moving forward. Someday I hope I will not feel like I am scum.
Isn’t it strange how we can read someone else’s story and so much of it feels like we wrote it ourselves? Everyday I’m more aware of just how deep the narcissistic abuse wove itself in me, in my kids, and around every detail that makes us who we are.
It is sad, depressing, and traumatic. But, I refuse to stay lost in the shock of it all. He is not getting any more of me!
I can only imagine your heartbreak of not living with your daughter now. I would force myself to find the positives in the situation and enjoy those things without guilt.
If your ex is narcissistic don’t fool yourself, they are incapable of real love. If he’s hanging on to you its probably to get inside your head to try and get one foot in the door.
Cutting off complete contact or at least as much as possible will free you up to see more truth everyday! Find peace and enjoy every minute that he’s not in it!!!
The great thing is that he’s use to getting his narc supply from you, so staying out of the way means he’ll have to drain someone else’s emotional blood supply..which means in time others will begin to see the truth in him too.
Narcs dont care about anyone but themselves. Any good they do always benefits them in one way or another.
I believe this freedom your daughter has been given will work for good in her life. God promises us in Romans 8:28 that “all things work together for good..” All things, both good and bad!. So trust God that He’s got this.
Yes, I find it comforting (validating) and equally sad how many people say they could relate to my story or feel as if they could have written it themselves.
My experience with my abuse ex-husband (narcissist) did help shape my life. The person I am today is much strong than the person I was when we were married. My daughter certainly has triggered some new emotions and some old emotions I thought were conquered. This just shows me that I have more work to do on myself.
It terrible not to have my daughter here in our house. However, she was resisting all rules, rebellious, and generally making life miserable for the rest of us with her unwillingness to cooperate. I have to remind myself that she made that choice to challenge the rules. My ex-husband offered her little or no rules, and she made the choice to take that.
My daughter refuses to give me her phone number and that breaks my heart. However, I agree with you that God is at work here. Perhaps we are not supposed to speak right now. Just maybe I would get in the way of what needs to happen? When I look back on the past, I realize that everything happened for a reason and the way it was supposed to.
That is so true that I need to let God have this… He’s got this! Yes, so true.
Thank you for your wonderful message today. God bless you!
Survivor here…I’d love to dive into this this topic when I have more time, but what I can say for now…is the more boundaries I put up…the more he tries to be hurtful to my three off spring..it’s so sick.
The things he says to me…even in a email are terrible..I’m so weary.
I’ve been through this in so many ways. It broke my heart that I listened so many times to the “IM SORRY, “IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN WORDS. Not only was this monster a toxic person but a cold hearted demon. I blamed myself for staying with him and believing he was a good person but he wasn’t. Not only did her verbally abused me but abused me in every way. I didn’t think I was strong. In 2012 my mother had to have open heart surgery so I was there with her or work. The evil person begged for me to give him a chance he will prove he’s changed. Was the biggest mistake and huge eye opener, because he never changed especially when he would drink heavy or lie he’s home thinking of me, and wishing I was there but bar and chasing others was better. I asked my myself “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU”. He would not allow me to do anything but stay at home while he was at work. After he would be done I had to hang out with him at place he work at. If I was invited to anything like my class reunion I couldn’t go. There was much more. I realized it was time to walk away and not feel guilty, but to save myself from that evil abuser. When he would text or fb message me he would say horrible stuff. I changed my number and blocked him. I was absolutely proud of myself for not allowing that toxic person in my life anymore to hurt me. 3 1/2 years was a lesson learned. I didn’t think I would ever find someone with a good heart like mine. My life has changed 1 year 4 months found an amazing man in my life. I was afraid but this man proven to me that there is real men out there that will love you and not hurt you. I overcome the abuse and couldn’t be MORE proud of myself for staying strong and not giving up on life. I noticed when I would like to tell my story people make you feel like a VICTIM and say your fault for staying around. Plus at times I would hear his voice saying “STOP PLAYING VICTIM. YOU JUST SEEKING FOR ATTENTION OR PITTY”. I told myself your not a VICTIM you are a SURVIVOR. I try to be there and listen to others that have gone through this. It still brings tears to my eyes, but also tears of happiness because I never gave up. I pray for everyone that is going through this or has been through it. May God be with you all. May he give you all strength and power like he did with me.
Insane. It all makes you feel like you will eventually go mad. My x worked on my son for years and now just as he began college, my only son…my heart, my sweet boy will no longer speak to me. This is all about his sick father. The day I finally left that bastard made it his mission to take me apart piece by piece. You are NOT ALONE. This is BEYOND any pain I have ever experienced… (including rape).
What else can we do but take this one day at a time, go to therapy, pray and hope God has a master plan for all of this. I feel all of your pain… All of you who have written on this page. We are warriors who fight the battle everyday to keep our sanity ((especially when these monsters use our children to punish us)).
I am sorry that you have gone through and going through this and as you said you’re not the only one I have had a lot that I could share but just know that I’m one of the many that can relate and I feel your mother’s heart for your daughter. I will try to focus on her and building your relationship with her she may be clinging to her father because of the need for his love or I should say a healthy love. Maybe your daughter might be willing to go to counseling for the restoring of both of your relationship and it may be a door open for her to deal with her own issues and healing. I also think that your husband now may also want to go to counseling for himself to know how to deal with her better because arrogance is not going to help the situation if that’s how she feels and of course for you I would strongly suggest that you do your own counseling to help you through this and but you can see them good woman support group at our church that you can get closer to God and closer to other ladies that will comfort and Build You Up In Christ. pray blessings for you!