My daughter is 13 right now and it amazes me of how many years my abusive ex-husband has been trying to use her as a pawn, weapon or any way to hurt me. I came across an email I sent to my attorney 7 years ago regarding a bizarre reaction my 6 year old had when returning home from a visit to her father’s house.
I almost have an image of that day in my head because the reaction she had was so strange and unwarranted. I cannot remember what we were doing in the kitchen, maybe making dinner, but that is where the situation took place. We were in the kitchen and she suddenly reeled back from me, like she was scared and said, “You scare me mommy!” I was caught completely off guard because there was no reason for her to say something like that. It seemed like her father must have said something to her before she came home. Dealing with Parental Alienation Syndrome is probably one of the most challenging situations to deal with.
I never knew what he said to make her react like that. She was so young at the time and I may never know what was said to her.
My email to my attorney on March 20, 2005:
Well obviously something was said at his house.
We made PB&J for her then went to the park. Then we snuggled on the couch and I said, “You said earlier that I scared you, what do I do that scares you.” She shrugged her shoulders. I said, “If I do anything that scares you, I need to know about it so I do not do it anymore. What is it I do that scares you?” She said, “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Can he do this? This is obviously not healthy for our daughter.
How do you combat mental abuse with your children when your ex-husband is constantly saying negative, untrue or unhealthy comments?
- Negative or Untrue Comments: One thing I have taught my daughter is ‘Actions Speak Louder Than Words’. I truly believe even though he says really untrue things his actions or my actions can prove the truth. For instance, many of the comments he has said I have simply overcome by consistency with my actions.
- Disney Dad: One thing I have done regarding the no rules ‘Disney Dad’ visitations is teach her that we have rules because I love her. If I did not love her I would let her eat whatever she wants, not worry about where she goes or care for her.
- Buying Love: In dealing with the showering her with gifts to buy her love which was beginning to work. I have taught my daughter that money cannot buy love. The things most important in life are things that cannot be bought. She understands this more as she gets older and has a real relationship with me when compared to a very superficial relationship with her father. He has not spent the quality time with her to help establish a real bond.
- Putting Her In the Middle: this is an extremely challenging situation to deal with. It is very difficult to deal with her being put in the middle of my ex-husband’s personal war against me. I have learned not to go to him for anything regarding our daughter. I mean when she returns home and has repeated something he said that was just out-of-line it did more harm if he knew I got the message. It only caused more harm for our daughter. So instead I have tried to give her things to say, “I don’t know, ask my mom.” “Dad, I really don’t want to be in the middle.” “These topics make me uncomfortable.” Etc….
I am not going to say I have the perfect answers but this has been hard raising her and dealing with the constant attack coming from my ex-husband. It is terrible that he uses her like that and it legally should not be allowed. It is truly a shame that the courts do not get involved in parenting. So many children are put in the middle of negative divorces.
In one of the books I read, Joint Custody with a Jerk, it described our situation as the worse type of divorce. Obviously divorce is never good for a child but living in a bad marriage is certainly not healthy either.
- Ideal Divorce Scenario – where both parents work together for the best interest of the child. They try to create similar household structures so the child can go back and forth with the least disruption.
- Indifferent Divorce Scenario – where both parents maybe are really working with each other but continue with their own lives. They may not be truly working with each other but they are not trying to work against the other parent. I believe in this situation the child would be less in the middle than the next one I am about to describe.
- Absentee Parent Divorce Scenario – I am not as familiar with this but I have witnessed this with other people I have known throughout my life. It seems like this can be better than the Parental Warfare Divorce but can be negative depending on the single parenting style. I guess it depends if they say negative things about the ex-husband or if they do their best to discourage the absentee parent from visiting their children. Or if they try to make the child/children dislike the other parent to the point the absentee parent gives up all contact. I have seen children deal with abandonment issues and have trouble with trusting people in their lives. As I said, I personally have not encountered this but when you deal with an ex-spouse waging war I would rather they just go away then stay.
- Ongoing Parental Warfare Divorce Scenario – where one or both parents continue an ongoing battle and work against each other. One or both parents may try to put the child in the middle, use the child against other parent and create opposite households environments. One or both parents may say negative comments about the other parent that creates a very unhealthy situation for the child. The best case for this scenario is for one parent to try to not to respond or engage in this parental warfare. In this scenario if only one parent can create a healthy environment for the child it is the best that can be done especially if the other parent refuses to let go of their hatred for years to come.
My divorce falls under the category of Ongoing Parental Warfare Divorce Scenario. This makes me so sad because there is absolutely nothing I can say to appeal to my ex-husband to discontinue this private war he is determined to continue. The best I can do is try to teach my daughter right from wrong and encourage her to say what is on her mind.
Unfortunately my daughter has had to learn things she should not know at an early age. I guess the things I am teaching her are really life lessons. My ex-husband encourages her to go against my rules when she is not near me. He exposes her to things he should not, like alcohol at the age of 12. He tells her that I am not a good mother or I overreact. His house is so loose with rules it makes our house seem extremely strict. Honestly, this is not so unlike peer pressure in some regards. What she has to learn is she knows right from wrong and try to do the next right thing.
Parental Warfare
Are you a parent
Or a soldier at war
Attention on deck !
Clear the floor
Major parent is here
You know the intention
Not to relate and show affection
Sights are set
Both hands are full
Ambidextrous
Projections at you
Eyes steadfast for
Objects in motion
Centrifugal force
Propelled by emotion
Were you trained in parental warfare
I’ve got deep battle scars
Do you even care
A prisoner of war
I’ve survived under these conditions
Just another day
Just another mission
By Robert Wilkom
moreracing@optonline.net
Poet: Robert Wilkom
Sources:
Is This Abusive 
Thank you for your post on this very negative behavior. Parental alienation is real and affects countless children, parents and extended family members every year.
Anyone dealing with parental alienation should visit http://www.afamilysheartbreak.com. There is lots of information, and great resources, to help.
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I thought i was the only one going through this, as a matter of fact, i didn’t know there was a title to this type of abuse until i came accross this. My ex-husband has been trying his hardest to alienate me from our children for several years now, but no matter what, i still send them texts or emails every chance i can. My daughter is now 21 and my son 17, my daughter is beginning to see this difference, but she and her brother still live under his roof (i was never financially able to get back on my feet, but that’s changing soon) so they have to be careful and he uses/abuses this to his advantage all the time. I cannot tell you how many times i’ve been told i can or i can’t see the kids, but, as i stated in the parentheses, soon my situation is about to change, and i will have my own home where they can come and go freely. Thank you so much for sharing all of this, it makes this pain in my heart seema bit more bearable.
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I am going through, and have been going through this exact scenario for over 7 years with my 10 year-olds father. It is emotionally exhausting to say the least. I think the largest challenge is not allowing what he say’s and does affect her siblings. For instance he told her that her siblings would not even be born if I had not undercarried our child before we divorced which now the oldest holds resentment towards her brother and sister over this topic. I do my best to explain, and not complain, or condemn, but it is increasingly harder as we are back in the court system over the shared parenting agreement.
Please pray for me,
Shelby
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My sister finally got the help she needed to deal with an abusive husband and her abusive daughter. She did the healthy thing and got counseling. It was through counseling she recognized she was an abused woman. After getting the strength and attending programs for abused women she finally took the leap, with limited income since she was a stay a home mom she hired the cheapest lawyer and filed. Her husband took it hard. Instead of responding to her divorce with in 30 days…her lawyer convinced her to give him more time to adjust. BIG MISTAKE, 6 months later and several letters from her lawyer about they NOT reconciling, he HIT back hard. He hired The DREAM TEAM! A lawyer who has no ethics, and has several professionals aligned with her.
My sister was forced to live in the same home with her abuser. Her initial momentum was lost due to her ineffective lawyer she hired. Her lawyer even fell for the psychological exam her husband’s attorney suggested. Keep in mind there was NEVER child abuse by the mother, NEVER any children’s services, only a woman who was stressed by her husband’s constant abuse. The professional who was hired by the lawyers to do a full psychological evaluation on the parents to figure out the best parenting plan was a SET up from the start. BIAS and Alignment with the husband who tipped the therapist an EXTRA $5,000 (wink wink). This report was used as a weapon and never brought under evidentiary due process.
The husband go what he wanted…momentum! HE also recorded the wife without her knowledge or consent. He staged a perfect scenario while the daughter was not in their room. HE would incite arguments at 2am in the morning and hit record once he got her worked up. The fact he was allowed to do this and was allowed to show it to the mediator was illegal. No crime was committed a wife’s impassioned response to his “button pushing.” After he would slam her and her family along a huge amount of insults and language no Christian man should use she was pushed verbally to a limit where should started shouting back at him. She was standing up for herself and her family. Now HIT RECORD, which he did. He stated he was simply sleeping when his CRAZY wife woke him out of a sound sleep and started yelling at him……and just ironically had his IPAD ready to record. Again, never brought under evidentiary process which would of now allowed this recording to see the time of day but his slick and well-practiced lawyer showed it to the mediator. Her lawyer didn’t even stand up for the illegal way he came about that. She was never allowed to explain how it came about. He is a master at manipulating. He is a man with an extreme personality disorder that gets away with everything and blaming the wife for something he is actually doing.
She hired another lawyer. This lawyer pointed out endless faults with her first lawyer. He promised her to stand up for her. Promises, Promises! As long as he had his expensive retained her would happily take her money and even make a deal without her consent to have her moved out of the home. Without her knowledge or participation, she was in the process of moving to a safer place when her husband informed her she had to move out “court ordered”. She thought she could take her time and now was being THROWN out of the HOME with no notice. She called her lawyer to ask if this was true. He laughed and said “I thought I told you, oh well….you wanted to move out anyway right?” She had to move out by the next day!
With no spousal support, an old car, and almost no money she finished up her move in two days. She was forced to leave her daughter with her abusing husband because the therapist who took the $5,000 tip from the husband without proper cause made a grossly unethical assessment based on her alignment with the husband that the mother could be danger to the child. BASED ON LIES from the husband. ETHICS were out the door and the mighty dollar spoke.
My sister was in shock again, how can this happen? SIMPLY this, he had the money and the power, she had no money and Zero POWER. She was scammed by her second lawyer who was not poised to handle this.
What about their child? Well, the child is being brain washed and turned into a hard working soldier for the husband. My sister tried to get her counseling to help their daughter deal with her RAGE and HATE for the mother. The husband convinced the child the mother doesn’t love her and never wanted her. He has his family aiding and abeding him in character assignation. There has been many people who have come forward and said they have heard him run her down in front of the daughter. He even convinced his daughter my sister had a BOYFRIEND, which she never did. In fact he was the one who was cheating on my sister and would hire prostitutes which he admitted to a family member. The divorce went though, no due process to fight the baseless accusations which lawyer #3 said she would get her justice…., reunification is ordered and psychological evaluation of wife. Husband signs agreement and never abided by it. He refused to sign paperwork for 6 months to get their child reunification therapy…why would he? He didn’t want them reunified.
Finally after being caught in his own lies he has to sign the form and the child and mother finally get the therapy they desperately need to repair the damage from the father. The father constantly interferes with the therapy did I mention the mother now has SUPERVISED visits with her daughter until the therapist deems their relationship stable again. Well, that therapist knew better and saw through the husband. The husband sees he’s not able to strong arm or manipulate this therapist and immediately stops counseling for his daughter. How can he do this? He s breaking the judge’s ruling…..easier said than done. He again, is controlling the situation..the wife is running out of money to continually fight the constant barrage of endless and expensive litigation that he is causing. All these groups that accept money to help women who are being abused…well guess what, they don’t help, they NEVER really help. The victim is victimized again!
This is a clear cut case of parental alienation. He runs the mother down (there are people who will testify to this), he has trained the child to spy and report and character assassinate the mother. Even the supervisor who sees what’s going on is being barraged with him calling her constantly citing his ex-wife is a danger and is mentally unstable. NOT TRUE, she had seen PHD’s, PYSD’s and her own therapist that say she is healthy. They even have proof that original therapist who was hired to help destroy the wife was unethical and biased.
What is the end of this story? It’s still going on. There are good people who see what’s going on but how can they do this when the wife doesn’t have a lawyer who is able to fight for her especially since she is almost broke. Is the mother simply suppose to walk away. She has endless proof on her side but it will never see the light of day because she NEEDS a lawyer who is passionate about her case. What lawyer would do this for FREE? NONE! Instead the husband is abusing the child! To turn a child against their mother who was loving and caring. To make the child deny she even looks like her mother. To allow a child to become a weapon without conscience! To turn a child against her cousins, grandparents, Aunts and Uncles from the wife’s side. “They are all bad, they are all evil!” over and over again. BRAINWASHING! ABUSING! DESTROYING! He tells everyone he is going to TAKE EVERYTHING away from his ex-wife. Who would of thought he would be using the Family Courts as a weapons to continue to abuse his wife. She had her FREEDOM, or does she? She has to live life on the edge, she has to live in fear, she has been warned he is dangerous and will endanger her life but people who are hearing him tell anyone who does or doesn’t want to listen. What will the end of this story be? Another statistic? Another woman murdered by he ex-husband? Another child abused? A Failed system that allows the abuser to come off looking like they are the abused?
He will track her to the end of time and destroy her, he is the dangerous one. She simply wants to share their child and start a fresh life, one free from critical comments, free from mental abuse, free to live her life. Free to love her daughter who she would walk through fire for…which she has and is doing right now. Many people said just to walk away…save yourself…..forget about your child, you are not going to win. But she is driven to protect her child with her own life. She is throwing her life away and all her time and money simply to give her daughter a chance for at least one household where she can be just a kid!
If there is any good human being out there, willing to step up and help out, please, please post a message of a way we can get her help. She lives in Florida and she needs an Erin Brokovich type who will help her fight for her daughter’s health and happiness! She is strong but only the strongest can last so long. MONEY, LAWYERS, it’s all needed to fight the good fight!
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