The other day, my stepdaughter found an old journal that belonged to my daughter. She opened it up and read a few pages. Once she read one particular post, she brought the journal down to me to show me the entry. Although this is personal posts, the first one she showed me very much upset my husband and myself. I was very much conflicted, because these were my daughter’s private thoughts. Due to our precarious relationship, I was really curious to what she recorded.
My daughter’s journal entry simply said:
I hirted in the V today it realy hirted.
Reading this entry made me incredibly sad. When she says her ‘V’ hurt, she is referring to her vagina. It looks like this entry was written around 2008, but there is no dates on several of these entries. We believe she was only ten years old at this time.
My husband and I talked about some of her entries and we were both so sad. She had several posts saying her ‘V’ hurt and one she mentioned it hurt when got home from her father’s house. She also posted often that she couldn’t sleep. There was another post where she mentioned she didn’t know whose rules to follow. Another she said her father kept asking her questions because he ‘thinks’ I was telling her stuff.
I felt a little sad for reading her private thoughts, but it it amazing how much she is choosing not to remember at this moment. Although I cannot say for sure he did something to her, I strongly suspect something happened. However, with all our visits to the pediatrician, children’s hospital, and therapy… we never found out anything for sure.
Another post said:
Sometimes I act happy but I am realy confused or mad I have to tell my dad how I feel but I can’t. he thinks my mom tels me stuff.
No little girl should ever have to feel this way! It angers me so much that my ex-husband has put her through so much hell for his own selfish reasons. I hope to God that he did not do something to her, but there is just no logical explanation for her continuous complaints about her vagina hurting.
My daughter did ask to get together via Instagram chat. At this time, I am still trying to figure out how to navigation our new relationship. Recently, I sent her a card that mentioned our relationship being in a new place, but that I believed we would get through it because I love her too much. I wrote in the card, “It sounds like you are angry and frustrated and I am sorry for that. I feel really sad about our relationship right now.” I am not sure if that had anything to do with her reaching out to me or not.
What confuses me is how she can remember the story different than reality. For example, in the post above, she comments about him asking her questions, but she now believes I was the one asking questions. How did the narrative change so much? Is this just a clear case of brainwashing?
On some days, I just do not know how to feel about all that has happened. Plus, as I mentioned in previous posts. My ex-husband was supposed to take her to weekly therapy as part of our new agreement. He has not taken her to one session. My attorney says he is playing a game with me because he knows he cannot be held in contempt until the order is filed. I asked my attorney what would prevent him from never signing the order. I am still waiting for her answer.