On some days, I feel very sad and on those days I allow the regrets to plague my thoughts. My regrets are that I choose to marry an abusive man and now our daughter is affected by his psychological abuse. However, since I cannot change the past, it does no good to think of past choices.
Yesterday is gone, there is only today. Although we can make plans for the future, we have no control over what happens in life. We must trust that everything that has happened or will happen is for a reason.
More than ten years ago, I remember one night laying in bed, thinking I was going to die one day. Living with my abuser had profound affects on my health and I continued to get sicker by the day. The doctor’s had no idea what was wrong with me and therefore there was no solutions.
My ex-husband seemed to be unconcerned with my illness and would often bring home Starbucks or food. At some point, I wondered, “Maybe he is doing this to me?” My ex-husband seemed to hate being married to me, but had no desire to get divorced. He also had made it clear that he would get custody of our daughter if I decided to leave. I had thought that I was rather crazy to think of such things.
Who thinks their husband is poisoning them? Today, I doubt he was actually feeding me poison, but once I got away from him I began to feel much better. Dealing with my ex-husband is so toxic, I realize that living with him would have eventually killed me. I would have ended up with some debilitating sickness or cancer due to the stress.
So on one day when I felt incredibly sick, I remember thinking, “God, please come into my life and show me how to believe in you.” Looking back now, that is when my life began to change in a way that would allow me to leave my abuser and start a new life. That day I began to take steps that would make me a stronger person. This is a day I would begin to grow in my own personal faith and spirituality.
Dealing with abuse is too much for one person to handle and it is so comforting to believe there is something greater than myself that can help me and guide me. This trust I have in God also helped me overcome the fear that made me sick and often kept me paralyzed and unable to get away.
They say that Religion is for those who do not want to go to hell and Spirituality is for those who have already been to hell.
So, am I sad that my teenager decided to go live with my abusive ex-husband. Of course! On occasion I feel like I must have done something wrong for this outcome to happen. The truth is, I was simply outmatched in a game I wasn’t playing. Teenagers can be challenging in the best of circumstances. So, when you have a person who is working against you and providing a teenager’s dream life (no rules, no responsibility, freedom, a car), you are simply outmatched.
Now, I can only hope that our daughter grows up and can determine when she is being manipulated. That she hopefully won’t make too many bad choices or perhaps avoid any permanent consequences. The truth is, I have no control over our daughter’s choices and this point. Now, it it time to keep her in my prayers and hope that she realizes the truth. I also must trust that this same God is watching over our daughter and protecting her too.