Looking through those other journal entries made me hunt for one of my older journals. I found the one I was writing when I met my abusive ex-husband. In reading those words now I can hardly believe I could have ever felt positive things about him. As long as I can remember he has been angry, entitled and controlling. My journal entry actual makes him seem fun and enjoyable to be around. Either my perception was way off or he was acting completely different when I met him. Perhaps my having low self esteem had a lot to do with this. It certainly made me an easy target for an abuser. I do believe my ex-husband would not have picked a strong healthy woman because she would have left him quickly.
June 3, 1995
…Anyway, on May 13 I met a guy named Dick,he is a really great guy. He works for an insurance corporation, and from how he talks about it, he really likes it. He is so intelligent, I really enjoy our conversations. It seems we can talk for hours and hours and never run out of things to say. I feel one of his greatest qualities is his honesty, he speaks truthfully, what’s on his mind. I like that. (What? That is totally not my ex-husband. Did he completely fool me?)
Are they really that different in how they present themselves when you first meet him. I will still say today I think he is pretty intelligent, but I would consider it more manipulative in character. He has not been a happy person for twenty years. Even around our daughter he seems so angry, and when she was younger she use to say he was just really ‘Serious’. Now she laughs about calling it that.
…I can’t say I am in love, but I have that fun little high you get when you are really happy. Not to mention he is absolutely gorgeous. He has a beautiful body, I swear he could model. I like his eyes, and his different facial expressions he makes. He is six feet of gorgeous incredible hunk material. I can’t seem to get him out of my mind.
Well, that kind of shows you how young and infatuated I was. I was 21 when we met it sounds like I was completely obsessed with him. Maybe I was so infatuated I missed any early warning signs there might have been. He was in really good shape when we met and I remember he did not drink very much because he was working out.
Oh, in reading further, here comes the warning signs.
June 5, 1995
Well I am on the phone with Dick. He is a little upset right now, because he lost a bet and his friend wants the money now. He is a really great guy, why is he so sweet, where is that little something that I can’t see. I mean he’s too good to be true. Common statement but, he is really intelligent, and gorgeous. I am going over to his house tonight. His mother is going to come visit him next week I think. I’m a little nervous, I want his mother to like me. Dick was raised by her, and he turned out great, so you really need to look at that as his parents doing.
Wow, again I am just baffled in reading this. His mother was an alcoholic who was abusive and passive aggressive. She was horrible to him when he was a child. She was pretty awful to me to in her passive aggressive way. She never said anything directly, always those passive insults where you question if they meant you thought they did. Okay, perhaps I should be telling you my other secret. The one I never talk about. Good God, this blog is written anonymously and I still do not want to share that secret. What is wrong with me?
June 6, 1995
I’m talking to Dick right now. He is silly, giving me a hard time about last night because I slept on the couch. He says his ego was shot because I didn’t sleep with him. It’s only cause I didn’t want to wake him up. So I went to sleep on the couch. He really is a nice man, he’s funny, nice gorgeous and intelligent. He says some cute things.
I like talking to him, he likes to argue with me about silly things, I think he is joking around. I’m going over there again for the third night in a row. I like his apartment, I feel comfortable there. The more I’m over there, the more comfortable I feel. Tomorrow we might have lunch. I’d have to shower there though.
Some of my comments are that I cannot read him, that he seems too good to be true and so it seems as though I was looking for a problem. I am saying how I think I can fall in love with him but yet it was like I couldn’t get to know him. Maybe I was not as blind as I thought. Perhaps he was not being himself which is why I couldn’t figure him out. Nobody is perfect and sure people put their best foot forward when you meet them. Yet when I think of the 10 years of our relationship I cannot remember any good times. My
June 8, 1995
Well I just got home from work, it was really tough. First it was come back after the game. Then it was no, I lost money on the game so I wouldn’t be good company. My house is pretty clean, I cleaned and did laundry before work so at least I came home to that.
I called Dick to tell him I was home, he was half asleep. I wonder if he’ll even remember I called. I hope he calls tomorrow. I wonder how things are going to turn out between us. He is a really great guy. I have not known him for an extremely long time, but things seem well right now. Well I am exhausted, so I am crashing and I will write more tomorrow.
Okay so check out this next entry. Okay so it was the 90’s but it sounds like I am whining and dining him, not the other way around. Not that there is anything wrong with that but it certainly sounds like he is in control here and keeping me guessing.
June 9, 1995
Tomorrow I am ordering flowers for Dick and I am sending him roses all different colors I think. I am bringing home one flower and putting it on my bed with a card. I am cooking him dinner, place-mats, candles, wine, the works! I’m cooking tenderloin, baked potatoes, corn and a salad. I’m getting a twelve pack of Miller light. I am having whipped cream and strawberries for desert. Well, I had better go because I have a full day ahead.
Reading these journal entries, it is really clear that it was unhealthy, I was pursuing an unhealthy relationship that was not meeting my needs for a long time. My ex-husband rarely did anything that required much thoughtfulness. I cannot undo my past but I do wish I had been able to see that my ex-husband was never putting effort in like I was. I do remember he blamed that on an ex-girlfriend. That she hurt him and that was why he was not giving like he did with his ex-girlfriend. So I guess I believed he would get over it and start doing that?
Wow I could be reading my own entries. I was older when I met my ex and thought he was the world. The best since sliced bread. He paid attention to me for 3 months but after that it was mostly me, every now and then he would do something nice to make me think he really was this amazing guy. He was so charming! He grew up in Scotland so had an accent that I loved. But I found out he could turn it off and on. He said once that the ladies really love the accent. I believed him to be true, honest, gentle, kind, but that was me. He was the opposite. Abrasive. Rough. Ill mannered. Aggressive. A jerk!
And I saw it an explained it away. I thought he was a wounded bird and I could help him recover from that as we journeyed through our wonderful marriage.
He was a sheep in wolfs clothing. He would become enraged at me for the dumbest things but I took them to heart bc I thought nothing of myself and didn’t deserve him so I wanted to fix myself so he would want to e with me.
Fact is he liked me like this. Funny how when I got self esteem he hated me more and then physical abuse which ended it all.
Talk about blind siding myself!!! So hard to believe all the warning signs and how little self esteem I had. I would call myself loser and ugly etc. like I said I’m an accomplished doctor. I am beautiful. And intelligent. Kind and caring. I know this now. I’m glad I do so I can catch negative thinking in my daughter. I think when she is older she will be proud of me.
I just hope he decides to take a job in Siberia. Or someplace far from us. I forget he loves me when I’m weak. This is why I must remain strong and get stronger every day.