Abusive Experience – Journal Entries 3

You can read the first posts I made from March & April 2003 on this page Abusive Experience – Journal Entries 1.  I had many sporadic entries throughout the last few years of our marriage.  I think I was always worried he would read the journal entries.  These journal entries were made after I had figured out he had a problem with drinking but before I figured out our marriage was full of verbal abuse.

After writing this post there are some things I did not understand.  My ex-husband was/is an alcoholic and does not consider the consequences or that he has a problem.   For some reason I had a crisis of conscience about putting money aside and keeping it secret from him.  Looking back now, with all the lies, secrets, hiding money, etc…. my ex-husband was doing I really shouldn’t have felt any guilt.  Also, in his mind he never had a problem… the problem was that I had a problem with him.   I have said it before that he never had a problem with his drinking, I had a problem with his drinking.

Additionally, my fear of him going to jail was based on the fact that he was arrested three years earlier and did go to jail for a DWI.  That cost us so much money with attorney fees, court fees, community service, and our auto insurance costs tripled each month for three years.  He stopped drinking for about 3 months and then he was right back to drinking and driving again.  He drank a lot during our marriage and I mistakenly believed his anger was because of his drinking.  I now know even if he wasn’t drinking at all he would have still been verbally abusive. Even though drinking & abuse often are seen together, the facts are you can have an alcoholic who is not abusive and an abusive person who is not an alcoholic.

Now, hiding money would have been hard since he was hiding & spending so much and kept us pretty broke.  We made a ton of money and I never understood why we were so broke all the time.  I am not sure if he was hiding all that money (more than I know about), spending all that on another woman (he did have affairs), or spending it on drugs (I suspected but never had proof) and alcohol is expensive, but not that expensive.  I also believe  his keeping us broke another method of control as a way to keep me trapped in the relationship.

However, about this time I started getting money back at the grocery store to stash.  I was also purchasing clothes with a debit card and returning most of them for cash.  The amounts of money I was keeping was really so small, $10 here, $20 here or  even $50 occasionally.  Little did I know he had $1,000 a month going into an account I had no knowledge of.   In the end the amount of money I saved was just enough to put the down payment on my house & pay for a moving truck.

March 3, 2004

So tonight Dick had a business meeting.  Several times I found myself wondering if it was really a business meeting or out with a woman.  It seems I spend a great deal of time trying to shift my mind off of him.

I can not control him, what he does, where he goes, if he drinks, how much he drinks, when he comes home or how he behaves.

Tonight, I did one thing wrong, I approached him knowing he had been drinking.  He asked me what was wrong, so I told him what was bothering me.  It is still the same, it is not the fact that he has been drinking, it is a matter of how I am reacting.

The problem I have is this; eventually his drinking will cause consequences for him.  Those consequences will affect me.  So even though I know this is ‘his’ problem and ‘his’ consequences.  I feel as if I am waiting for an ax to cut off my head.

I made it very clear I would not have active drinking in our house.  That he needed to go to the marriage counselor and AA.  That was what I needed.  He has not done one AA meeting that I am aware of.  He stopped going to our marriage counselor as well.  So it seems as if he thinks the problem is all on me.  My deal.

He is not educated on alcohol and the effects it has on other people, family members.  This will effect our daughter, now and later in life.  I realize more and more now I became Co-dependent.  The chaos of living with an active drinker makes life so insane, that becomes my disease, the effect it had on me.

I still don’t like the way things are.  I feel so controlled by him.  How much money he gives me, having to ask permission for more, and having to account for where it all goes.  He does not bother me about how much I make, but he has his own account.  I know nothing about.

I know alcohol is ‘his’ problem, it is not something he is doing to me.   It is apparent he has more lessons to learn before he will do anything about it, and there will always be the possibility he will never do anything about it.

His mom is and always will be a drinker.  No matter the effects on her health.  I can’t understand this.  I don’t view alcohol the same way he does, I don’t give it a second thought.

I know I am sensitive to alcohol, but he smelled so bad tonight.  One or two beers does not make a person smell that way.  All the feelings came back tonight, and I had to work really hard not to react the way I use to.

This is not my problem, I did not cause it, I cannot control it, and I cannot cure it.  This is his problem, his behavior, not something he is doing to me even though it effects me.

Perhaps he will never understand the depth alcohol had over me and who I have become.  This worrying, controlling, angry behavior was not such a part of my life before I met him.  During this relationship I have felt tremendous pain, anger, resentment, all of these things stole something from me and who I use to be.  Now I have to work hard to change my reaction.

A + B = C   If I change A then C will be different, even if B remains the same.  The A being ‘me’ and C being our ‘relationship’ and ‘B’ being my ex-husband.

I guess I needed an end to the chaos and he is such a thrill-seeker.  Maybe that isn’t it, maybe he know more about why he drinks than I do.  Alcoholism is a disease of the family and we have the disease for sure.

I do appreciate the effort he has been putting in.   I do like how a lot of things are.  I did feel tonight he feels all his other behavior should canceled out (home late & drinking).  I would not care if he were late, it is the drinking that gets a reaction out of me.

How do you tell someone you like how things are if they won’t listen?  I have been telling him that I appreciate what he has been doing.  Tonight I just happened to tell him what I did not appreciate.  I told him I felt he made empty promises, well he did.  He said he would go to AA and see our marriage counselor, he also said he would not drink.

I guess this is what I don’t understand about the disease.  I want to believe all he promises, and I am sure he means to live up to those promises.  I think the issue is all on him.  How do you ignore behavior that can take you down with them?  How do I step aside and let him run his course when that course can ruin my life too?

If he is drinking, should I not always have money for a divorce?  His being in jail would not warrant a continued marriage.  This may never happen but the odds increase the longer he does it.  Shouldn’t I be prepared?  Shouldn’t he be willing to help me to take some of this worry off my shoulders?

If I had a bunch of money in the bank I don’ tthink I would care as much abou him drinking & driving because it could not destroy my life like it could with no money and him in jail?  How do I handle this one?

– I need a security net

– I need a degree

-I need six months of bills

This is not unreasonable is it?

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