Abusive Emails – How to Respond

I wanted to post these emails because as ridiculous and abusive as they are you may be dealing with something similar.  Okay, short recap to perhaps explain the context of these emails.  Our daughter, at the age of five, was complaining that her vagina hurt on more than one occasion after coming back from visiting with her father.  After taking her to the doctor repeatedly and finding no medical explanation it was strongly suggested by her pediatrician that I get her into therapy.  I did my best to show willingness to communicate to my ex-husband and hopefully get him involved in a solution.  Looking back it is possible I should have ignored him but with all his threats of taking my daughter away I did my best to follow my attorney’s advice and document everything.  This is how the conversations went, long drawn out and a complete waste of time (obviously exact facts will be removed):

My email April 6, 2005 6:28pm:

Our daughter has an appointment with [Blank] Child Center, they are on our plan, appointment is on April 25th. [Phone Number]

My ex-husband’s response April 7, 2005 8:09am:

I think you are underestimating how resilient our daughter is.  She is a healthy normal child.  It is normal for her to feel the way she does but I know that if you continue to push her into therapy and disrupt her school you will cause more harm than good.

I have two huge concerns regarding you thinking she needs therapy… if she is in red for two days in a row you think she needs therapy, if she expresses anything regarding her feelings you think she needs therapy.  If you, as an adult, want to go to therapy, then so be it but for some reason you think EVERYONE needs to go.  I have an email from you that states “you want me to go to therapy in order to have a relationship with you.”  We are divorced you know?  She has a yeast infection and you start making false accusations as well as send her to child protection for abuse.  Look what you put her through due to a yeast infection: took her out of school for 3 days in a week, tried to keep her from seeing me and lied to me by saying Child Protection told you I could not see her (I have that on email as well) and after speaking with them they said they did not say that.  Newsflash; just because someone goes through adversity does not mean they need counseling.  We are divorced and I think our daughter is doing great under the circumstances…. maybe you need to look at yourself in order to help her.

Bottom line, you have a history of wanting to go to therapy but now you are bringing our daughter into your world of hysteria (for lack of better term).  She is very happy with me and she continues to ask me if she can spend the night after gymnastics, this past Sunday she wanted to say one more day…. could it be that she senses happiness in my house and that she draws from that?

Take this for what it is worth, when I pick our daughter up you always have this look of despair or sadness.  Don’t read anything into this other than if I see it then she sees it.

I know we want what is best for our daughter but you keep in mind that I will not stand idly by and let you put her through a mess like you did recently.  She is my daughter and I will make sure she is taken care of.

I know by sending this you will not reconsider nor do I need a response unless you feel like responding… I am just letting you know how I feel and as always if you somehow misconstrue this as a threat then once again you would be wrong.  I just want what is best for our daughter and I am voicing my opinion.

My response April 7, 2005 2:05pm:

I am simply following the advice of (removing names) Dr Pediatric Specialist, Dr Pediatrician, Domestic Abuse Awareness Center and Child Protection to get her into counseling.

His response April 7, 2005 5:12pm:

Your reply is evidence of what I am talking about… you forgot Dr Suess!!! Classic response.  Use your own mind and stop listening to everyone else.

Your decision on our daughter’s well being has me concerned!!

My response April 7, 2005 5:30pm:

This conversation is over.

His response April 7, 2005 5:32pm:

I will be involved in my daughters life. I am simply voicing my concerns.

My response April 7, 2005 5:37pm:

Voicing your opinion and controlling are two different things.

This is where I had to enlist 3rd party help after voice mails.  My response April 12, 2005 5:11pm:

 I have done my research, I feel comfortable with trying this center, they have been around for over 100 years.  Our therapist believes I should take her to this center for the evaluation and clearly she is going through something.  Your saying it is just for crack babies is not fact base only hearsay, I did not hear anything I felt the need to respond to as your information was not fact based.  Also your messages are too scattered and you were not sticking to talking about our daughter, going on about the dogs and how I need to eat more calories, I found no reason to respond at that point.

I also spoke with our therapist and if you really want to meet with me you can set up an appointment with him for us to do that.  I will not meet with you anywhere but at our therapist’s office with third party present.  History has proven our conversations are unhealthy and I am simply not willing to go there anymore.

The Center has many different programs that deal specifically with our daughter’s situation; Divorce Adjustment Issues, School problems, Tantrums…. You are welcome to visit their website (included link).  I have seen behaviors in her that tell me she is having a difficult time adjusting to these changes.  They can help her understand her feelings.

Therapy has never hurt anyone and often it is necessary to help people have a healthy outlet.  You spoke twice of them putting kids in foster care, I am not concerned one bit about what she will say, are you?  If we keep doing nothing we will keep getting the same results.

His response April 12, 2005 6:58pm:

 Since you are not willing to work with me on this then I have no choice but to take a route I did not want to go.

This is not a threat.  I am concerned for my daughter’s well being and I want you to know that I feel she will be emotionally healthier with me so I plan on taking you to court.  You will be contacted by the courts soon.

I am sorry that you have made me do this but understand I only what what is best for our daughter.

Your accusations and constant please to get both our daughter and myself into therapy is very alarming.

You will be contacted soon.

My response April 12, 2005 9:25pm:

You say that there are issues that we need to resolve in person.  Please send me a list of things you feel cannot be resolved by phone?

His response April 12, 2005 11:25pm:

I gave you the option(twice) to resolve this by phone and/or in person.

I was even willing to take our daughter to the person you initially wanted even though I do not think she needs therapy… I also was willing to find someone we both can agree on even though I don’t think she needs therapy.

Your response and lack there of was evidence that you have no intention of communicating with me one way or another.  In regards to the dog I was simply telling you about her health but I will no longer keep you informed of your dogs if you choose not to know.

Regarding your calories…. I stated that people who have seen you lately thought you looked thin an unhealthy.  I have seen you and I concur but of course that is just my opinion.  With that being said I have concerns about our daughter especially if your health is in question.

Bottom line… I am being honest with you when I say this, our daughter is my only concern, this has nothing to do with you and I but I feel that the courts need to know what you are doing in regards to our daughter’s well being and your lack of communication with me in regards to our daughter (even on the phone) has given me no other alternative.

I do not want to go this route but you have left me no choice.  I do wish it could be different and I am sorry it has come to this.

Another email from him on April 13, 2005 6:50am:

If you want to talk (on the phone) then let me know.  This is the last opportunity I will give you.  Once again this is not about you…. I want what is best for our daughter.

My paperwork is in order, I just have to make the call but I was hoping you would choose to include me in the decision making process regarding our daughter and I am adamant that she does not go to this Center.

I am not bluffing on this…. once I go through with this I can’t turn back so please let me know when you want to discuss.

My response on April 13, 2005 10:35 am:

(Abusive Ex-husband’s Name)

I have cooperated with you on all matters thus far.

1) I have told you I am afraid of your anger and your temper, which I do not feel you can control.  However, I did tell you that I would meet with you at the Dr.’s Office with a third party.  I have the right to make the decision to meet in a place that I feel safe

2) I have a referral from the Dr.’s office stating that our daughter’s regular Physician recommends therapy for her.  Are you suggesting I disregard her doctors recommendations regarding the health of our daughter?

3) I never said I did not want to know about the dogs. Stop putting words in my mouth.

4) My weight is not an issue with my Physician.  I follow all recommendations by my doctor regarding my health.  To date, there are no health issues and I am willing to obtain a written note from my doctor for you and your Lawyer if necessary stating I am perfect health.

I asked for a list of issues you feel need to be discussed regarding her health and wellfare.  You did not answer my questions so that we can get these issues resolved.

Again, I ask you, what issues about our daughter do you need to address, and which ones do you feel can not possible be resolved via email or the phone?

I have the right to my feelings.  Feelings are not right or wrong.  I do not feel safe alone with you because of your temper and anger issues.  Again, I tell you that I will indeed meet with you at the counselors office to address those items on your list that my lawyer and I feel cannot be resolved via email or phone.

His response April 13, 2005 11:34am:

Once again you are not reading my emails correct.

Let’s get this straight.  I do not want to meet with you in person nor do I want to see you for any reason other than to pick our daughter up or drop her off.  I have stated  that we can talk on the phone in regarding to choosing a Dr.  Not sure what you are talking about in regards to a counselors office.  Once again a phone conversation is all I am requesting.

By talking on the phone this should eliminate your paranoia.  My issue was clear.  I want to choose a Dr that we BOTH agree on.  If you read you will see that I was willing to take her to the original Dr or find one we agree on… does that seem like I am disregarding any recommendations?  Talk about putting words in someones mouth.

In regards to anything else your attorney can speak with my new attorney once you are served.

Our daughter is all that matters to me so keep that in mind going forward.

My response April 13, 2005 1:04pm:

(Abuse Ex-husband’s Name)

Your issues with this facility are not clear to me.  I need you to list your reasons for not wanting to take our daughter to a licensed, certified facility with approved medical doctors that was recommended to me by several health care professionals, in addition to accepting her insurance.

If you have valid reasons, such as successful claims to the Better Business Bureau, or anything at all that can be validated other than your personal opinion based on hearsay, I will consider another alternative.

I want to stress that I will not under any circumstances consider any place that does not accept her insurance.

I do not want her ability to go to counseling based on your willingness to make payments and continue treatment, but rather a Doctor’s opinion on whether continued therapy is in her best interests.

Again, if you have valid, document-able proof that this is not the best place tor our daughter to obtain the help recommended by her physician., I would like to review that information.

More to follow.