I thought I would jump back into the past a little and tell you how I met this man who I am now divorced from. I guess to tell you that story I might have to go back a little further.
I was very attractive when I was younger but the problem was I never believed it. I did not have a very good opinion about myself. Looking back now I would believe I didn’t find myself attractive because I was not making very good decisions. Throughout high school I was always hanging out with the wrong friends, getting into trouble, and I was always rebellious. The thing was, I had a conscious, and I knew the things I was doing were wrong. I would tell you I didn’t care but I know I did because I felt a lot of guilt over my choices for a lot of years.
I did not have very many relationships with very many guys. I honestly thought I might as well been a leper. Truth be told, with such low self esteem, there was no way I would have attracted a guy worth anything. In order to attract healthy people, you need to be healthy yourself, and I was not. I thought I was very independent because I would just make decisions to move without giving it much thought. I am not sure if that was independent or just making a geographical change to fix my life?
So here I was in this new city with very few friends and working the night shift at a bar. One night some of my co-workers invited me to go out with them. After having several months of boredom in a new city I decided to join them. They had the drug Ecstasy with them and I decided to try it. Other than the occasional experience smoking pot when I was in high school and not enjoying it I had never tried any drugs. So when I met my ex-husband I was literally on drugs.
I thought he was handsome and he was in really good shape. I was actually pretty amazed he picked me and I guess I felt special and flattered. The hidden truth there is my ex-husband had a major self esteem issue and a big ego and he needed to meet someone who was just like me. You see a strong, confident, healthy woman would not have wasted any time on this man. Healthy people are not typically attracted nor do they attract unhealthy people. That match just wouldn’t work right or last very long.
Now do not get me wrong, I am not bashing myself here, because I have worked very hard on myself and accomplished a lot. I took some wrong paths and made some mistakes. The days are over when I beat myself up over my past I cannot change. From time to time, when my ex-husband is trying to control our lives, I find myself beating myself up over picking him. Then I think, how grateful I am, to have my lovely daughter and if that was all it was worth I would do it all over.