This blog was created as a form of an outlet from the effects of verbally abusive relationships with my ex-husband and my father. I am very glad to say I am no longer married to this man but we have a child together and he has not stopped being abusive. Since he cannot reach me as often, he resorts to using our child as a pawn. Please keep in mind that some of my posts are full of anger and others may be full of helpful resources. This blog’s purpose for my own personal journey of healing and to let others know they are not alone.
I am remarried to a wonderful man who is nothing like my abuser. Although my husband would listen to me if I talked about this every day, I love him too much to subject him to that. So here is my personal journal of a domestic abusive relationship. When you break the silence I truly believe it loses it’s power.
There are times I scold myself for being so unwise to pick a man like that. Yet, when I think about my daughter and how much I love her, I realize I would do it all over if for that reason only. The good thing is I have been able to give my daughter tools that help her. I have had to really bite my tongue at times to now tell my daughter things. I believe there is nothing I can tell her that she will not learn on her own. That does not mean he does not tell her unrealistic things that often create challenges to help her deal with the information without saying negative things about him.
In the fall of 2016, my daughter made the decision to go live with her father. This has become a new challenge for me, especially since he has really managed to turn her against me. His oppositional parenting continued to create challenges, especially as she became a teenager. His promise of no rules, no supervision, free reign, and a car have made living with him sound like a teenagers dream come true. This breaks my heart and I am still trying to come to terms with this change. My only hope now is for my daughter to see the truth and hopefully realize what is and isn’t healthy for herself. It was the hardest decision to let her go live with my abusive ex-husband, but she was nearly an adult and I had to let her go.
Keep in mind, I am not a counselor, doctor or an attorney. I am only expressing my personal experience from my point of view. Some of my blog posts may be helpful and some are probably venting. If I could change my current situation for the better I most certainly would. I have also made mistakes that may have resulted in adding more fuel to the fire of the relationship. However, I hope anyone reading this will find something positive to take away. My experiences are sometimes very painful and I have to believe pain is not for nothing. If a few people reading this are able to take something positive then I am glad I shared my experiences.
There are times I still have difficulty with abusive relationships, letting toxic relationships go, including the one with my father and sometimes my mother. There are also times I wonder if I am abusive myself, however I think it was usually reactive abuse. Some of the impacts of having such an out of control life before sometimes makes me a bit too controlling now.
This blog is not meant to advise anyone on the direction they should take in life. Every person’s journey is their own and I am only sharing my personal journey.
This blog is written from a woman’s point of view because that is my experience. I am not saying that women are not abusive, but I do not have as much information on that subject. I recognize that abuse comes in many forms, but I can only share my my own personal vantage point.
If safety is a question, please take extra caution to protect yourself. Leaving an abusive relationship can often be the most dangerous time. Take steps to protect yourself and your children. Also, just because they have not hit you, does not mean they will not hit you. It is said that people often make decisions based on what hasn’t happen yet.
Please write more, your blog is helping me through a very tough time. Thanks for writing this. <hugs
Reading this has helped me more than talking to any counselor, relative, or friend. Thank You!
You are such a brave woman to post and I think it’s true what you say break the silence about it I believe their are many of us divorced women going through the same thing even after we remarry and move on we still have to put up with this. Currently my situation is taking a toll on my relationship with my husband I also need an outlet and have schedule counseling.
One of the reasons I write in this blog is because these memories keep entering my mind and I need a place to get them out. I do not want to tell my husband every time I have these thoughts. I love my husband too much to continue to expose him to my abusive ex-husband’s past or present behavior. I was afraid it would begin to affect my relationship with my husband and I really do not want that.
I have only read the abusive email posts and wow, deja vu. These abusive individuals are so much alike it’s scary. It does offer some comfort knowing I’m not the only one going through this. I finally cut communication down to bare minimum. And if he emails me something that is not part of the parenting plan I don’t even respond (like telling me that I can’t give the kids soda, caffeinated or otherwise, which is ironic since he does on a regular basis and I allow it about once a month at most, not only that, he loads them up on huge bags of candy every visit, and lastly I have never said a word to him about it, because I know it will do no good).
I appreciate what you are doing so much. I find it very difficult to find the right fit for a support group for myself. I have looked and tried several over the last 3 years and have not found what I am looking for. Anyone talking about this and recovering helps others so much.
I was so frustrated today when I stumbled upon your blog. The things you have blogged about with your ex-husband are so familiar to me. I, like, you, wish the courts understood what it is like to deal with someone like this. It is extremely difficult and stressful. I have been divorced 3 years and feel like, I and my kids have moved forward, but my ex wants to constantly pull us back into the abuse cycle. Family and friends also don’t understand because they think that if he is being emotionally abusive, the kids just don’t spend time with their dad. It doesn’t work that way and emotional abuse is hard to prove. I would love it if he and I could get along for the sake of the kids, but I have learned that you can’t have a rational conversation with an irrational person. Thank you so much for your blog.
Thank you very much for your post. My purpose in writing this blog is as a therapeutic outlet. When readers post their comments I get mixed feelings;
Sadness – that someone else out there has or is having to suffer with this unhealthy behavior
Validation – that I am not the only one going through this emotional abuse
Inspiration – to keep writing because sharing experience I might otherwise bury is helping someone else
Relief – that I am no longer living in that hell and my life is better today
Frustration – a little frustrated that it is so difficult if not impossible to prove emotional abuse with the courts
Anger – that I cannot protect my daughter against the emotional abuse because the courts don’t get into ‘parenting’
Hi! Thank you for your website. I will not post my story now but wanted to share the book & website that helped me discover that I was being abused in my marriage. Of 12 abuse types in the book, I was and still am dealing with 12. I have recently separated from my husband with 2 young children, 4 & 1. He continues to fight me on every single issue and is abusive in emails. He continues the crazymaking and uses my children to hurt me. I am getting stronger every day and hope that I am able to protect my children the best I can by providing them with tools and a strong spirit.
It is possible to rebuild and move on. It is much easier to do so when you are educated in abuse and disengage from your ex.
When Love Hurts
written by Karen McAndless-Davies
A very simple to read book about abuse
Another fabulous book – Why does he do that?
Written by Lundy Bancroft
More in-depth explanations of abuse
Please share more if possible. I feel as if I myself could’ve written this, and it is helping me feel as if I’m not alone. Especially with a young son – who at the innocent age of 4, idolizes his father – so it’s a constant struggle. Though we are divorced, I almost feel as if I’m trapped more now than before – the courts fell for his wonderful acting ability and I was at such a loss – even going through 2 lawyers. As I write this my little angel is with his abusive father for his 2 weeks summertime visitation. Thank you so much.
I came across this site when I was googling crazymaking the other day ( to refresh my learning) and never heard the term reactive abuse. As many of these posts read, I too have been (and am ) dealing with abusive men. I was married for 15 years with several different kinds of abuse, never understood what was going on until I took s class through my church about 6 years ago. Four years ago I divorced my ex and am still dealing with my ex pulling me and my daughters into his behaviors. For the last four years I have been on a strong personal journey to work on myself, rid myself of the guilt & blame from my growing up years and my ex, learning my pieces and what to change. Over a year ago I met a man whom I thought was so different but one huge red flag was how quick it moved. Little by little I see that this situation is just ss abusive & crazymaking, maybe more than my first. I have been guilted with all the relationship problems, been called crazy, bipolar, etc. I’ve never been called any of this and it hurts. My counselor and I have been working alot since my divorce and just last night I let her know about this post and reactive abuse. I have always known we all have issues and need to work on them. I feel I’ve come along way in my quest to be healthy, interact healthy, and yet am very sad that I seemed to have found another man that is not good for me. Thanks so much for sharing. I’d like to hear how you met a good man.
Hi. I found your blog in the middle of the night when I was again allowing my abusive ex husband free rent in my head. It’s been over 2 full years since I called 911 and he was arrested that we were together. I still have flashbacks of the abuse in the marriage and the abuse since. With the trial and exchanges with our daughter. He has her a lot of time and it kills me. I try to fill it up with positive but every now and then I can’t fight the tears. I know that’s okay too. I had a great therapist who taught me cognitive behavioral therapy. How to be mindful. And self hypnosis. I am much improved and getting better every day. I am a pediatrician. And I think a good role model for my daughter. Hopefully she will see that more and more and not listen to his crock of fakeness. I am slowly rebuilding my life. Getting a house. Providing a safe and happy home for my daughter. I like what you wrote. I will stop letting him abuse me which will stop me from abusing myself. He has no real control over me. Only if I give it to him. It’s a struggle. I pray for all of us who have been and are being abused in any way. Time for all this to stop! And just live and be happy. Ameen.
I came across you website this morning, and I could have sworn, I was reading about my own life!! I guess the similarity in each case of abuse do not change. I myself and still living with my abuser, this is my third time taking him back. I am hoping soon, to have my life back, free of resentment, I just need him to leave or I need the courage to have him removed which is more the case. I know he will never leave on his own. My kids are older, they don’t spend much time home now, they are always out with friends because they are no longer happy in their home, with all the arguing that goes on. I commend you on your self control of not reacting, this is something I need to work on. Thank you for this website it is inspirational and gives hope that there is happiness out there!
thank you so much for this.
I am struggling with the concept, and I so appreciate the validation.
Just because there are no physical manifestations, we are often made to feel like petty jealous girlfriends or exes. And manipulators are good at what they do. No one wants to believe he has fooled them. So I moved out, and I’m changing jobs and going on. I don’t care that it won’t ever see court. I will be free. And I want to help as many of my sisters and brothers who are being hurt to be free, too.
Again, I thank you.
I want to move away my ex has primary custody. The emotional and mental abuse is out of control. Can I get help at a women shelter and retain my joint custody? Where is the safest place to call and states that car about the mothers rights and the child’s? I am going either way reading these stories and everything that has happened I know its right. Just where to go.
It might be best if you do contact a woman’s shelter and they may be able to recommend an attorney that specializes in abuse. The laws are different from state-to-state.
This blog was suggested to me by FB tonight and I am so thankful to learn that I’m not alone when it comes to having suffered mental and emotional abuse. I never had a child with my ex, but I went nearly ten years of his mistreatment. I look forward to reading through your blog and the comments left by others who’ve gone through the same treatment.
I am so grateful for having found your site. I am still in the middle of the lengthy process of getting out. My ex is determined to drag it out. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. He has completely turned the kids (13, 11, and 8) against me. I am thankful for the schools, the coaches, the professionals who have kept me grounded and reminded me my own memories ARE real, I’m not crazy, and his attempts to gaslight are just signs of his (now diagnosed) mental health issues.