I wasn’t expecting to write this post. Although my mother and I have a difficult relationship, we do not have a abusive relationship.
A few days ago, my mom had a CT scan after losing a significant amount of weight and simply not feeling well for quite some time. She had been tired for months. Some of that fatigue had been attributed to grief after losing her sister, and the digestive issues were relatively recent. She was thinking Chron’s disease or IBS, but it ended up being something else entirely.
Then the CT results appeared in her patient portal.
The words were difficult to process: “findings consistent with primary pancreatic adenocarcinoma with liver and intraperitoneal metastases.”
My mom called me stunned. I was stunned too.
We do not have the final diagnosis yet. A liver biopsy is scheduled, and pathology will ultimately tell us exactly what we’re dealing with. But the imaging is very concerning for pancreatic cancer that has already spread.
One of the first things my mom wondered was whether she had missed something.
I don’t think she did.
My mom is someone who goes to the doctor. She gets her checkups. She pays attention to her health. She had breast cancer more than 15 years ago and has continued receiving medical care ever since.
Unfortunately, pancreatic cancer can be incredibly difficult to detect early. There isn’t routine screening for average-risk people, and early symptoms can be vague or nonexistent. Fatigue, weight loss and digestive changes can have countless explanations.
Looking backward makes everything seem like a clue. Living through it in real time is very different.
Suddenly, We Are Learning a New Language
Within days, words I rarely thought about became part of our everyday conversations.
Bilirubin. CA 19-9. Bile-duct obstruction. Metastasis. Carcinomatosis. Liver biopsy. Molecular testing.
Her CA 19-9 tumor marker is extremely elevated. Her bilirubin and liver enzymes are also significantly elevated, which may be related to the pancreatic mass obstructing her common bile duct. Her doctors now have to determine not only exactly what this cancer is, but what needs to be addressed first and what treatment options may be available.
She has an oncology appointment, a surgical consultation and a liver biopsy scheduled within the next several days.
We’re also beginning the process with MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston.
For now, there are many more questions than answers.
The Practical Things Nobody Prepares You For
Something else I’ve learned very quickly is that a serious diagnosis isn’t only about medicine.
Suddenly you’re talking about powers of attorney, bank accounts, insurance policies, medical records and whether someone should move closer to family.
My mom already had a financial power of attorney, but we discovered that hers requires specific conditions before it can be activated. We’re now working on replacing it with one that allows me to help her immediately if she wants me to, while she remains completely in control of her own finances.
We’re looking at her cancer insurance policy.
We’re organizing paperwork. None of this is easy or quick.
We’re talking about her coming to Texas.
My husband immediately said she could stay with us and has already started thinking about things like putting a lift on our stairs someday if she ever needs one.
We’re looking at replacing the uncomfortable mattress in our guest room.
These sound like such mundane things when you’re talking about cancer.
But I’ve realized that sometimes doing the mundane things is how you love somebody through something terrifying.
And Then There Is the Emotional Part
I don’t know what the future looks like.
That’s probably the hardest part for me right now.
There are moments when I’m researching treatments and clinical trials and making lists of questions for doctors. There are other moments when I’m working on my jewelry business or doing something completely ordinary. And then suddenly it hits me again:
My mom may have pancreatic cancer.
I’ve wondered whether I should be doing more. Whether I should already be there. Whether continuing to work on my business somehow means I’m not taking this seriously enough.
I’m learning that I can’t live every minute in crisis mode.
I’m going to see my mom. I’m going to be there for the appointments and decisions where she needs me. If she wants to come to Texas, she has a home here.
But I’m also going to keep making jewelry, answering customers, doing laundry, laughing at ridiculous things and living my life.
Because cancer doesn’t deserve every minute we have.
One Thing I Want Other Families to Know
If you’re reading this because someone you love has just received a frightening scan result, I understand something now that I didn’t understand a week ago.
You don’t have to figure out the entire future on the first day.
Start with the next thing.
Get the specialist appointment.
Get the biopsy.
Write down the questions.
Save copies of the medical records.
Look at the legal documents while your loved one is still able to tell you exactly what they want.
Accept help.
And perhaps most importantly, remember that the person you love is still the person you love.
Right now, my mom still feels reasonably okay. We can talk. We can laugh. We can make plans. She can tell me what she wants.
I am incredibly grateful for that.
I don’t know where this story goes from here. I’m hoping that treatment gives us much more time together than the frightening statistics suggest. I’m hoping the biopsy and molecular testing reveal options we don’t know about yet. I’m hoping that some of the extraordinary research happening in pancreatic cancer gives families like ours more possibilities than they had even a few years ago.
And I’m going to document some of this journey here.
Not because I have answers.
But because somewhere, another daughter may be sitting at her computer at four o’clock in the morning, Googling the same terrifying words I was.
Maybe knowing that another family has been there will make her feel a little less alone.
For now, we take the next step.
And tomorrow, we’ll take the one after that. ❤️
Photo credits:
Image by Ilona Frey from Pixabay
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