I really hoped most of the drama was behind us, but we encountered some recent issues the other night. My daughter’s boyfriend has given us pause since they first met. His words often don’t match his actions. He also shared a few things about his troubled past right away. He mentioned that his ex claimed he was abusive, which of course raises concerns. He talked about getting in trouble and said that his six-year-old son “straightened him out.” He also mentioned not having his own place, still living with his mother, and not owning a vehicle, driving everywhere in my daughter’s car, which later racked up a lot of tolls, resulting in bills of $300-600 sent to my address and in my name since her car was in my name.
They’ve now been together for two years. Last April, they moved in together. Since then, he’s brought home a golden retriever puppy, a somewhat new truck, and a bunch of toys—collectible watches, guns, and more. Just a few months ago, my daughter got into a car accident and totaled her car. Now, she has a brand-new, fully loaded SUV, with both of their names on the title. My concern is that these are big financial decisions that could lead to one feeling trapped, and my worries come from past experiences with similar situations.
Last Thursday, the boyfriend came by to announce his intention to propose. He wasn’t asking for our permission but merely letting us know it was happening on Sunday (yesterday), with only three days’ notice. He said he was worried I or my mom might “spill the beans” because we talk a lot. Then, he launched into a 30-45-minute rant, airing his grievances with little chance for response. It wasn’t much of a two-way conversation, he looked directly at me with anger in his eyes. My husband and our other daughter were also there.
His complaints covered a lot. For example, he was upset that we changed our home code after our daughter gave him the old one. I told her, “We don’t want our code shared with just anybody,” and explained that this is our home, and she doesn’t have the right to give the code out without our permission. To me, that’s very reasonable. He also complained that I wanted to see their new puppy but was upset that I seemingly didn’t want to see his son. They’re completely unrelated matters—one is a puppy, which is only a puppy for a short time, and the other involves a person.
He also said, “You don’t agree with my financial decision,” which is true, I don’t. Maybe he means well, but I worry because this also entangles our daughter financially in a way that would be difficult to untangle if their relationship ends. They have zero savings, no health insurance, and nothing set aside for retirement. He went from living with his mother, with no car, to having a near-new truck, a new puppy, health insurance for the puppy, new guns, and watches… all while my daughter now has a hefty car payment. I didn’t say all this to him out loud, but I did mention that when relationships don’t work out, a woman’s standard of living often drops. I pointed out that my grandmother lived until she was almost 98, and she could have outlived him, yet they have nothing saved.
Overall, it was really awkward. It made all of us uncomfortable. And then, we’re supposed to go to the proposal and act happy, thrilled, and supportive? We decided to go, focusing on her happiness. My ex-husband was also there, which made it feel like a double whammy, pretending to be okay with the boyfriend, happy for our daughter, and not uncomfortable around my abusive ex.
Later, I decided to ask AI about all of this since it was late and there was no one else to call.
My question:
❝He wasn’t really asking me for approval at all today was for telling us what he was gonna do. In the meantime he did kind of attack me personally for all kinds of stuff that wasn’t really true assumptions or something the whole encounter was really uncomfortable I just don’t really know what to do with it.❞
ChatGPT’s Answer:
That sounds deeply uncomfortable, and your reaction is completely valid. When someone comes to “announce” their decision and then turns the conversation into personal attacks or assumptions, it puts you in an unfair position. Let’s break this into what actually happened and what you can do next.
⭐ What he was doing
Based on what you described, this wasn’t about respect or an honest conversation. It was likely:
1. He already made the decision
He didn’t come to discuss.
He came to inform you of what he’s doing.
2. He may feel insecure
Sometimes people lash out when they feel unsure of themselves or expect disapproval.
His attacks may have been a defensive posture—not about you, but about his own fears.
3. He crossed a line
Even if he was nervous, personal attacks are never okay, especially when you were being respectful.
⭐ What this means for you
You do not have to pretend that the interaction was fine. But you also don’t need to escalate anything.
Right now, your goals are probably:
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- Protect your relationship with your daughter
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- Maintain your dignity
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- Not get pulled into drama
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- Set a boundary without blowing things up
You can accomplish all of that with a calm, simple approach.
⭐ What you can you do next
Here are a few paths, depending on your comfort level.
⭐ Option 1: Stay Neutral and Keep Distance
You don’t have to confront him at all. You can choose:
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- Polite
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- Civil
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- Minimal contact
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- No emotional investment
This avoids conflict and protects your daughter from feeling caught in the middle.
I do agree with what AI had to say about him. Everything he does strike me as coming from insecurity. He says he doesn’t care what other people think, but he really wants to show off and look important. He claims cars are a bad investment and he is okay driving a beater, but now they have two expensive car payments. My ex-husband was very much like this in wanting to display wealth. Driving fancy trucks and going to a country club. Much of what drove my ex-husband came from a place of insecurity. He wanted you to believe he is important, but deep down he never felt that way. My grandfather was exactly the same way. He spent a ton of money, had everybody fooled, and died without a penny to his name.
⭐ Option 2: Address it gently (if needed)
Only if it keeps bothering you or if you’ll see him again soon:
Example message or conversation:
“I want our relationship to be peaceful for the sake of my daughter. The conversation we had felt uncomfortable, especially when assumptions were made about me. I’d like us to start fresh and keep things respectful going forward.”
This sets a boundary without attacking him.
⭐ Option 3: Don’t involve your daughter
The one thing to avoid:
Telling your daughter that he attacked you—unless it becomes a pattern or crosses into real disrespect.
Why?
Because if she feels forced to “choose,”
she will almost always choose the partner — and resent the parent.
You can simply tell her:
“The conversation was a little awkward, but I’m glad he let us know what he’s planning.”
This protects her relationship and yours.
⭐ What you might be feeling (and why this hit hard)
When someone attacks your character out of nowhere, especially in a moment that should be respectful, you’re probably feeling:
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- Shock
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- Disrespected
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- Angry
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- Confused
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- Worried about your daughter’s future with him
These are all normal.
Yeah there was a couple times he kinda got upset at me for not being all into his kid. He has a boy, and is like I don’t know five or six kind of rambunctious. It’s it’s not personal I just don’t know how to handle a little boy. Nothing personal. However he did get very upset that our daughter gave him the code to our house and we changed it and I think he felt offended by that. And I did tell him that it’s our code and we should give it on who we feel like given it out not someone else given out for us.
It makes total sense why this whole situation felt wrong — and honestly, you handled it better than most people would have.
Let’s break this down clearly, because there are two separate issues here, and neither of them are your fault.
⭐ 1. His reaction to you not being super into his child
This is his insecurity, not your wrongdoing.
Some people with kids are very sensitive, especially if they’ve had past partners who didn’t treat their child well. But here’s the reality:
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- You don’t know the child well yet
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- You’re not required to know how to interact with a rambunctious 5–6 year old
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- Not immediately connecting with a child does not mean you don’t accept him
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- He jumped to conclusions instead of giving you time
A mature person would say:
“Hey, I hope over time you two can get to know each other.”
Not attack you.
⭐ 2. The house code situation
You were 100% right — and your boundary was appropriate, calm, and logical.
A home code is security, not a casual favor.
If your daughter gave out your private access code without asking, you had every right to change it.
Your explanation was perfectly reasonable:
“It’s our home and we choose who gets the code.”
That is not offensive. That is healthy boundary-setting.
If he’s offended by that, it says more about his expectations and entitlement than about anything you did.
⭐ Why he reacted the way he did
I’m not excusing him, but this helps you understand the dynamic:
✔
He likely feels unsure or judged
People who react strongly to boundaries often fear rejection.
✔
He may be very protective of his child
So any hint of distance feels like a threat.
✔
He was probably nervous about the “proposal announcement”
And nerves can make people defensive.
✔
He may have expected automatic acceptance
Which isn’t realistic.
Most important: none of this makes YOU wrong
You:
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- Didn’t insult the kid
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- Didn’t criticize him
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- Didn’t violate any boundary
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- Didn’t create drama
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- Simply protected your home and were honest about your comfort level
This is normal, healthy, and reasonable.
⭐ What you should do next
You don’t need to confront him (unless you want to).
Right now the safest approach is:
✔
Be polite, neutral, and steady
No extra warmth, but no conflict.
✔
Do NOT apologize for the house code
You did nothing wrong.
✔
When you’re around the child, be kind but don’t force connection
Kids warm up naturally over time.
✔
Keep your boundaries but stay civil
This protects your daughter and keeps peace.
Overall the proposal went well. She was surprised. She looked beautiful and happy. That is really all I want for her. He did spend a good portion of the night bragging about this and that. Showing off her ring and talking about how expensive it was and custom. This is not unusual for him to discuss all his purchases and money. It seems like insecurity drives a lot of his decisions. My ex spent a lot of time at the bar, looked like he was getting drunk or was sad, and left pretty early. His sister was super nice and came up and hugged me.
So, how do you think AI did with this situation. Do you agree with the responses? They sound pretty neutral and sound to me. Ultimately, she is an adult and this is her life. It is hard to watch it when you know neither truly understands the gravity of these decisions they are making so quickly. They are not alone with being young and making a lot of financial mistakes (been there, done that). There is more to discuss, but this blog post is getting pretty long. I will add more later.
Is This Abusive 
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