It has been a few weeks since the last time I wrote a post. Lately, I have had a difficult time putting my thoughts together. My emotions are quite overwhelming at this time, too much has happened in the past few months. I guess that is why it is so difficult to write my thoughts.
Today, I feel like my ex-husband won his twisted game. Although I left him more than twelve years ago, he never stopped bothering me or trying to mess with me. My therapist said that every boundary I put in place to protect myself took away his control, this caused him to continue to use anything he could… especially our daughter… to regain control. She said that there is no way to work with his type of personality.
This, week she said to work on talking about how I feel instead of what I think. Dealing with feelings of Anger, Sadness, Fear, Disgust post Verbal Abuse. Learning to accepting emotions is one part of the journey towards healing.
Anger… Well, I feel pissed off right now. I feel so angry at my ex-husband for messing up the relationship I had with my daughter. Sure, I probably made some mistakes, but I always had her best interest at heart. This just absolutely hurts that she chose to go live with him. At seventeen, she just doesn’t see that permissive parenting or being ‘her friend’ is not best for her. She wants this freedom, car, and material things he is offering. My rules and wanting her to be responsible she considers is just controlling.
On some days, I feel really pissed off at myself. I choose this man more than twenty years ago and because I wasn’t strong enough to leave him all those years ago… now my daughter has been affected too. Plus, I doubled down in my bad decision by marrying the man and I was naive enough to believe I could divorce him and just move on with my life. Who knew he would continue with his relentless manipulation and abuse for twelve more years! Ultimately, he was able to make our daughter hate me and so now I feel like he really won his twisted game.
Sadness… I also feel really sad right now. It really hurts that my daughter picked her father over me. Of course, I feel she never should have had to make that choice in the first place. When my ex-husband would ask her questions about our lives, I would tell my daughter to say, “I don’t know dad, ask my mom.” Or say, “Dad, I really do not want to be in the middle.” However, she was never strong enough to resist him and would tell him whatever he wanted to know. Little did she know he was taking that information to use against our family. She had no idea she was playing a key role in his sick game.
Fear… I also feel extremely afraid for the future. One reason is the picture our daughter posted in her Homecoming dress looked like a girl in her early twenties instead of being seventeen. She was wearing a white skin tight, strapless and rather short dress. She was wearing red high heals and red lipstick. Plus, with that bleach blonde hair she got over the summer, she no longer looks like the girl I remember. I am afraid of the attention she is going to get for dressing that way.
My comment was, “You look very grown up.” I really didn’t feel so proud of that look, it was not age appropriate for a seventeen year old junior in high school. My therapist was rather surprised her father was okay with her looking like that. She said it was almost as if our daughter was an extension of himself. She said it was rather strange. Some of this may be due to her stepmother’s influence. A few years ago, she told my daughter she wanted a wedding ring that made her hand fall to the ground. She also said my daughter should pick some rich to marry like she did. Not exactly wise things to tell a young girl.
Disgust… I also feel disgusted at my ex-husband that he is so sick he would use his own daughter as a pawn. His desire to get vengeance against me for whatever reason is not right. I used to believe he was pissed off at me, but for what? When we were married, he was the one lying, cheating, hiding money, and acting like a bachelor. Although I think this is more about control and maybe my leaving him made me the enemy. Funny, he is married now, but it seems like he is still completely focused on me. How can his wife tolerate that? Even my husband says he thinks my ex still has a thing for me… like the one that got away.
Now that he has our daughter living with him, not talking to me, what is next? Is is possible now that he has won his stupid game he will go away. Last time I talked to my daughter she said she wouldn’t come here as long as my husband lived here. My husband won’t tolerate my daughter’s crap and that is the primary problem. He may be sarcastic, but he has been more of a father than her dad for all these years.
I guess we will never know all the things that have been said to our daughter. My ex-husband is highly manipulative and would never say anything directly. He would come in sideways, like snake, and would sound super supportive and helpful with some passive comment meant to influence her thoughts.
How someone can be so cold and calculating, I will never understand. My mind simply does not work that way. Narcissist… sociopath… alcoholic… I really cannot tell you what the true diagnosis is of my ex-husband. Healthy people just don’t behave that way and they wouldn’t inflict harm on their own child.
Perhaps accepting that I have emotions and that it is okay to feel them is just one part of the process of healing. I know I am not the only one going through this, so many others have posted on Facebook. However, I must believe that what was meant for bad will eventually have good come from it. My personal faith is that there must be a reason God is letting this happen right now. Lessons to learn or something good is meant to come from all of this.
Are you going through something similar?