You may find this shocking to believe that I once use to question if my ex-husband was poisoning me. I actually thought it was pretty crazy to think such a thing. I certainly did not think a normal person would even consider such a thing. I cannot tell you how many doctor’s I visited during those years of my marriage trying to figure out why I was so sick. I never could figure out what was wrong, no real medical explanation and I continued to get sicker. The symptoms started not long after giving birth to our daughter in 1999 and I began feeling sick later that year.
Dear Reader: If you can relate to what I am posting, please do not dismiss your symptoms as being ‘in your mind’ and consider your body may just be warning you of a present danger.
Post Update: It is strange I finally decide to post this and then I read this article: Tennessee woman accuses physician husband of poisoning coffee with barium. The story is about a women in Tennessee that says her husband was trying to poison her through her coffee, slowly and over time. It certainly makes me wonder how many people’s illnesses may be a result of a toxic marriage which can actually cause the same symptoms as true poison.
Real Physical Symptoms
Some of my physical symptoms included:
- Blurred Vision
- Light Sensitivity
- Heart Palpitations
- Stomach Problems
- Intestinal Problems
- Full-blown Anxiety (felt like someone was sitting on my chest at all times)
- Blood in my Stool (this was one red flag symptom the doctor dismissed)
When the initial symptoms started they were very faint. I almost felt this weird faint pulsing somewhere in my body. I could not quite identify where they were coming from.
Initially, I thought perhaps I had some cancer that they had not discovered yet. I also went through all the logical conclusions of food intolerance, reaction to sugar, checked for diabetes or hypo-hypoglycemia. During this time I started to have new symptoms that were probably anxiety over the symptoms.
“Crazy Making” & “Gaslighting”
I guess what really began puzzling me was my ex-husband at the time really did not seem to be concerned that I felt bad. It was almost as if he was glad that I was not feeling well. In fact, he often gave me a hard time and would tell me it is probably caffeine. So I stopped drinking diet cokes and avoided caffeine. He really made me feel like my symptoms were all in my head and I was some sort of hypochondriac. So many little things he would say would make me feel like I was just imagining these symptoms.
At this point the thought of poisoning had not crossed my mind yet. One mistake I made during this time was not getting a second opinion. I trusted my doctor.
When I first began seeing the doctor I told her about the blood I saw when I went to the bathroom. She dismissed it and said that was normal. That continued to happen throughout the year and she kept saying it was not anything to be concerned bout. So the doctors continued to do a series of tests to figure out what it wasn’t; ultra sounds, EKGs, giving me pills like Wellbutrin… I think the pills only masked my symptoms and prolonged the issue.
Towards the end of 2000 I had finally figured out that this was digestive related. The doctor tried to explain it away as Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). This conclusion sounded logical as I had most of those symptoms. However, when I read about it, one of the comments said that blood should never be present that indicated there may be another problem.
So I contacted my doctor and told her about what I had discovered. I told her I wanted a second opinion from a specialist. She told me, “Okay, but I don’t think they will tell you anything different than what I have told you.” Glad I ignored her and proceed with visiting the specialist.
So I went to see a Gastroenterology specialist. He said that seeing blood is never normal and had me in for a Colonoscopy four days later. Apparently I had a polyp in my colon that was the size of a plum in which they removed. The doctor said that was the largest polyp he had seen in someone so young. He said it was large enough to block my colon completely. It was also ulceric which was why I saw the blood and it was spasming which was the reason for the strange pulsing symptoms I had felt.
It took me about 7 months to completely recover after having this surgery. My body simply could not function the way it should during this entire situation. So I began to feel better temporarily then I started to feel worse again. My symptoms continued from 2001 through the end of 2003.
It was not long after this I started to wonder if my husband was causing my illness. I could not understand why I was unable to feel better. I was only 25 at the time and it seemed I shouldn’t be so sick so often. During this time we had our typically verbally abusive fights. It almost seemed like my husband hated me and was at war with me. Yet he did not want a divorce.
He would make many manipulative comments to try to drive fear into my divorce thoughts. All these comments were meant to make me afraid of how I would support myself if we got divorced.
- My co-working just got divorced and he got custody of his kids.
- I can be your best friend or your worst enemy
- You don’t have a college degree, no one will hire you, we should work on that
- If we get divorced how will you pay your bills, I do not want you living in a roach-infested apartment, why don’t we get you a degree
I also remember another comment very clearly, and it disturbs me to this day that he would say something like this to me:
“You know I have been so pissed at you at times, I could have thrown you through a wall, but I don’t.” he said to me.
“Emotional/Psychological abuse is referred to in the professional literature by many interchangeable terms such as: emotional abuse, covert abuse, psychological maltreatment, coercive abuse, abuse by proxy, and ambient abuse.” – CourtWatch, Emotional/Psychological Abuse Fact Sheet
So anyway, we would get in these awful fights. Then right after he would show up with food from a restaurant he went to or a Starbucks coffee. I think these were all typical domestic abuse reactions where they feel guilty and try to make it up. These fights were not occasional, in fact they were more often than not. I still describe my marriage as never being really good, it would go from bad to okay then back to bad. It never really had a good point.
I remember one night I couldn’t breathe and it was really scary. I called my ex-husband and told him I was afraid and to please come home. I think I was having a panic attack at the time. I ended calling 911 and they sent paramedics who sat and talked with me while I breathed into a bag. They stayed amazingly calm and helped me through it. My husband still did not come home after this.
At this point my migraines had gotten really bad and caused light sensitivity, floating spots and blurred vision. At some point the doctors wanted to send me in for a Catscan to try to figure out why I had migraines. During this time I was clenching my teeth in my sleep and breaking my own teeth but did not put the symptoms together.
I remember my mother was visiting me at the time. I also remember my ex-husband was out golfing and drinking with his buddies. So my mother had to watch our daughter and I had to drive myself to the appointment for the Catscan. They put me in the big machine where you have to lie completely still. I was kind of scary because it seems like you are in their forever and you have no concept of time. I was also afraid it was taking so long because they had found something. I also remember feeling really pissed that my ex-husband did not seem to care and should have been with me. Even that he was not home meant my mother couldn’t come with me and wanted to.
Anyways, yes I really began wondering if my ex-husband was doing this to me. I remember looking up the symptoms of arsenic poisoning. As crazy as I felt considering this I wondered how many other people had actually been poisoned and did not think they were.
When I left him in the end of 2003 and drove to my mother’s was when I began to feel so much better. I wrote in a previous comment that the further away I drove from my ex-husband the better I felt. As I was driving in my car at some point I remember my chest released for the first time in years. Apparently I had chronic anxiety that never went away until that moment. It was at that time I realized no matter how, my ex-husband was contributing to my symptoms.
During that time away from him I continued to feel better and started to get my strength back. I guess I had been living in such a toxic home environment that was so oppressive that it is no wonder I was sick all the time. I stayed away for 7 weeks and came back home in February 2004. I allowed him back into the home in the end of February and we stayed married until November 2004 when I finally left him for good.
I will say that when I first left him and got into my own house I went through a new set of symptoms. I think I dealt with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) for several months. I truly believe the reason I suffered with that was because I left a home that was in constant chaos, turmoil and flat out war-zone… and moved into a home that was quiet and peaceful. I think my body had a hard time processing that change. I had been so use to living under constant stress.
I am happy to say I began to feel much better throughout the year of 2005. My ex-husband continued relentlessly to attack, threaten and harass me and would often trigger symptoms. The good thing is they did not last and I knew he was a big trigger for me.
Today, I still feel good and I am also glad to say I can write about this stuff without feeling the pain and anger I once felt. I can even respond intelligently to my ex-husbands outbursts and my feelings of frustrating do not last as long.
So was my ex-husband poisoning me? I would have to say, yes perhaps he was. Whether it was poison delivered by his own hand or just the constant exposure to a toxic relationship. I do not remember ever feeling so sick before I met him nor since I left him. Either way he was pure poison for my body. I can tell you, his new wife, seems to get sick quite often. She even had a huge tumor removed from her stomach last year and I find it to be a strange coincidence that I had one removed from my colon when I was with him.
Facts About Psychological Abuse: